Heavy Days…

The Wounded Healer implies that grace and healing are communicated through the vulnerability of men and women who have been fractured and heartbroken by life. In Love’s service, only wounded soldiers can serve.” – Brennan Manning, Abba’s Child

Some days are just heavy days, full of frustration, heart hurt, aggravation, not being enough, and being helpless to fix it (whatever all the “its” are). Heavy days for me becomes an exercise of sheer will in order to be kind and fully invested in those who are not a part of my heavy day.

I have found that I cope mostly through praying… or rather, I slip away as much as I can and allow my thoughts the chance to let go of the clutter, which creates space for prayers to float their way through my head. I also spend a lot of time intentionally focusing on setting aside feelings and engaging well in my day.

Heavy days are some of the worst days for my heart because I have no solutions, no ways to make things better, so my heart just hurts, my head cannot seem to orient, and my body hurts more on heavy days. Yet, despite the struggle, I find heavy days good for me because they are the days that my heart is the most open to communication with my Savior.

On heavy days the Holy Spirit speaks to me differently, His voice is sweeter, softer with much more tenderness… and on heavy days, those are the days I feel God’s affection towards me. On most days tenderness is not particularly an attribute of God that I identify with (nor communicate to those around me), but on heavy days I feel the calming presence of His tender presence.

I never wonder why God allows heavy days or bad days, because those are the days that I do not have such carefully constructed walls around my heart and He and I communicate better.

All I want to say to you is, ‘You are the Beloved,’ and all I hope is that you can hear these words as spoken to you with all the tenderness and force that love can hold. My only desire is to make these words reverberate in every corner of your being— ‘You are the Beloved.’” – Brennan Manning, Abba’s Child

Precious Friends…

I know I say it often, but I have the most amazing friends.

I feel that I should tout as often as possible just how much my friends impact and change my life. Sometimes I am blown away by the huge and significant ways my friends love me, but also because sometimes it is in the small things they do that change my heart.

God has been wrecking my heart lately… In the very best of ways (I suppose), but still, it has been painful, which has left my heart feeling exposed, raw, and fragile. And, when I am feeling less than in control of my emotions, I naturally pull together and work to project security and confidence in order to give myself space to figure things out.

However, this time it is different, and I know that a lot of the process that God and I are going through right now is dealing with, healing from, and making new so that we can move forward restored.

So, repeatedly I have chosen not to sidestep what God is doing deep in my heart, and decided to sit in it and allow things in my heart to be dealt with. — Not particularly one of my favorite things, I prefer to be strong and capable, but in this instance I think it is important.

I have had several conversations recently with different friends, and each time, I chose to tell them what was going on with my heart instead of bypassing with a standard response. Despite my desire to just offer a quick response, I shared how much I was struggling and how vulnerable I felt, then I held my breath, and waited for them to respond.

IMG_0100Like cold refreshing water or salve to a burn, their tenderness, compassion, support, and prayers left me feeling encouraged and comforted.

I have been amazed and so grateful for their love, tenderness, grace, mercy, understanding, wisdom, insight, perspective, prayers, and of course their hugs… And really, so much more..

I simply do not have words to accurately describe how thankful I am for my friends; they impact my life in profound ways and make me a better person every day.