Decisions to Be Made…

IMG_0624My heart has been anxious, scattered, and felt unnerved lately… And, unfortunately, this may be a little bit of a jumbled post as I try to iron out some of the scattered thoughts…

Last night while I slept, it felt as though instead of sleeping and dreaming, I wrestled with questions and struggled to find my footing again. I am not sure if God and I were wrestling, or if I was just stressing…

For the first time in a long time, I find myself struggling through a plethora of insecurities… Am I good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, smart enough, loving enough, caring enough?.. Basically my insecurities have boiled down to, “Am I enough?” Sometimes it feels as though my insecurities come in waves, disappearing entirely for a while, and then crashing down on me once again. I love the seasons when they are gone because I feel uninhibited and free to dance in who I am.

I am in this weird place where I have total peace and no doubts about moving forward with my consulting work… I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I mean, it is definitely hard work, and requiring a lot of hours from me, but I love watching it unfold, and I truly enjoy the consulting itself.. but mostly, I love the people who I get to help.

It seems interesting and quite frustrating to finally feel like I have direction in one area of my life, and feel as though satan is attacking (or maybe merely just whispering to) my doubts and insecurities.

The best way I can describe it is, my inner layers are growing weary; that I desire stability and certainty, but instead what I find is doubt and uncertainty… almost across the board too, which is just aggravating. When I stop and survey all the aspects of things in my life, all of the decisions to be made, the stressors and of course all the uncertainties, I find my heart just being tired… No overwhelming emotion, just fatigue. I know that while I have a huge support system, I am ultimately alone in making decisions, and just feel exhausted at my center for at having to make them all.

I also think some of the weariness is due to trying to work towards healing wounds and insecurities, and realizing that I am probably more fragile than I care to admit or show…

True to my nature though, I tend towards being an all or nothing type person. Now that I have financial and professional direction, I want to work as hard as I can to get the other areas of my life to fall together and heading in the same direction as well.

I mean, I am certain that Jesus is my provider, and I have no doubt that He is also my sustainer. But, I would like to also feel secure and safe for a little while. There is a huge difference between knowing and feeling.

I really am thankful and amazed at all of the ways God has taken care of me, over the last year especially. Words really do not accurately describe the emotions that I feel when I think of all of the people who have stood in the gap… Because, regardless of your view of me, I really am not worthy of the amount of love and support that I have received.

On the other hand, I have felt for years, and even more so over the last year that no matter how many people love and support me, I am ultimately responsible for taking care of myself. My sense of responsibility for taking care of myself does not come from a prideful place, and certainly not from the viewpoint of not needing help, and I have no desire to do this because of an “I am woman hear me roar” attitude. However, my feeling of responsibility is more from the practical sense that, if I do not do it, there is no one else walking this journey with me, so it must be me.

I think now is a good time to pause and say that this “by myself” perspective is not at all directed at my lack of need for Christ or the Holy Spirit’s guidance.. Nor is it directed at feeling as though I do not need help.. cause I without doubt do need help. But, I am certain that my need does not inherently mean it is anyone else’s obligation to step in and help.

There are days that I feel like maybe I seek out and rely on others too much because I definitely seek out other people to talk things over with (sometimes ad nauseam) to help me figure out what and how to do all of this well. I am so, so thankful for the friendship, patience, and support of my sounding boards. But, when I climb into bed at night thinking over my day, I mull over and pray for the things that I did not do so well, the choices that need to be made the following day, and the situations that I am uncertain about, and I am reminded that this journey is between God and I.

Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you;
He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” – Psalm 55:22

The Worst of Singleness…

For the most part, and for the majority of the time, I really enjoy being single.. Not because I am a “single independent woman,” and certainly not because I always want to be single, just that I am not itching to get married. I have this very welcome, very contented feeling of being fine exactly where I am in life. While I realize I am 28 and have no prospects, I am happy with where I have been, what I have done, and look forward to doing more things and going more places as a single.

With that said.. There are some really crappy things that come with being single, and I have encountered a lot of them the last few weeks…

After traveling out of the country for a couple of weeks, returning with the worlds worst head cold, and having a couple of weeks worth of work and school work to catch up on… Being single is difficult simply because you have to touch base with all of your bills, go food shopping, clean, do laundry, put away clothes, (in my case) pick up the puppy.. AND catch up on school work and regular work. And, forget giving space and time for jet lag to be present, it simply has to be pushed through.

Or, as another example, in the last two weeks I have dealt with a ridiculous amount of diarrhea from my puppy, crazy hours of work (no really, I didn’t leave until 11pm last night, and then worked at home until 1am), homework… homework.. and more homework.. then, there are the dishes and laundry that has to get done…. Followed by the sick puppy’s bowel problems transformed in the middle of the night to explosive, (which after working until 1am), and being up at 5am cleaning out a puppy crate and doing laundry to remove the absolutely horrendous smell… leaves (me) totally patience-less (let’s be honest, I was struggling before today with my patience AND filter) and an overwhelming desire to just stick the puppy on the deck and sleep for a day. But, instead, I got up, worked, cleaned him up, worked, cleaned up again, worked, took him to the vet, and worked some more…

So, with that said, the absolute worst part about being single, is having to do everything yourself. There is no one to split work with or take care of things when you are gone.

Everything is you.

Now, do not misunderstand me, I am not even pretending that a single parent’s job is easier or even comparable to mine, but I would submit that the worst thing about their situation is the same, they must do everything themselves… And, while I have not personally experienced being married, I am sure there are a lot of difficult things about it… But, given the last couple weeks that I have had, and the level of stress it has all brought on, I can confidently say it would have been easier to have someone to do the dishes or take out the trash or go grocery shopping.

The worst part of singleness is having to do literally everything yourself no matter what is going on or how sick or tired you are.