It has been a very difficult few weeks. I finally had a normal two days off (woot!)… And then, I literally slept both days away. Friday I took a six hour nap, and then Friday night I went to bed at midnight, and woke up at noon on Saturday… with a 10 minutes break in the middle to take my puppy outside.. I felt SO much better, but was rather annoyed at how much time I had wasted.
However, if the sheer amount of time I spent sleeping is not a perfect indication of the level of exhaustion I was feeling, I am not sure what would be… Except for now, I have not been able to accomplish the things on my to-do list that I needed to. Dang it.
I came into this job knowing that it would be hard. I knew I was called to be here for such a time as this, and I was prepared; or so I thought. I realize that I often have the “I can handle it” type attitude towards most things, I also know that I am not often one to express the heartfelt emotions deep down. I mean, I will tell others how I feel, but I do not often actually allow the intimate close feelings to show… That is really vulnerable. So, for whatever reason I will talk about it without expressing it.
And then, I listened to my dad talking about a moment years ago when he was in the beginning stages of losing it as we learned that his mom (grandma) had died. He explained how he felt, and how things began to crumble… and he glanced sideways and saw 16 year old me as I lost it, and he instantly sealed his feelings and emotions away knowing I needed him. — He said it took a couple months before the seal broke and he dealt with his own grief. But, I was amazed because I remember those few moments vividly; it has been almost 12 years since then.
Sometimes I think about that morning from time to time without much more than a faint recognition of the scar that once was; and yet somehow, when I was listening to my dad talk about how he felt, and how it impacted him so profoundly, but that I was more important, and that he saw my need of him… I cried. I did not cry due to my own pain from that morning, but because I realized how much, and how many times in my life that I have survived difficult situations because my mom and dad sealed away their feelings to support and love me through my difficult situations over their own.
In a way it makes so much sense how and why I am the way I am about pain and emotions. It helps me understand why in highly emotional situations I rarely fall apart, but it also shows why the pain and suffering of otheres impacts me so deeply… It was how I was raised. Loving others first and before my own pain and troubles is more important no matter what.
What an amazing expression of love that is neither deserved nor expected, and yet cherished more deeply than words can adequately express.
My parents are amazing people that I do not deserve, but am so thankful for.
What an intensely clear and perfect reminder as to why I am doing what I am doing, and why sleeping away two days in order to restore myself so that I can move forward to loves others for Christ is worth every minute.