Work

Decisions to Be Made…

IMG_0624My heart has been anxious, scattered, and felt unnerved lately… And, unfortunately, this may be a little bit of a jumbled post as I try to iron out some of the scattered thoughts…

Last night while I slept, it felt as though instead of sleeping and dreaming, I wrestled with questions and struggled to find my footing again. I am not sure if God and I were wrestling, or if I was just stressing…

For the first time in a long time, I find myself struggling through a plethora of insecurities… Am I good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, smart enough, loving enough, caring enough?.. Basically my insecurities have boiled down to, “Am I enough?” Sometimes it feels as though my insecurities come in waves, disappearing entirely for a while, and then crashing down on me once again. I love the seasons when they are gone because I feel uninhibited and free to dance in who I am.

I am in this weird place where I have total peace and no doubts about moving forward with my consulting work… I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I mean, it is definitely hard work, and requiring a lot of hours from me, but I love watching it unfold, and I truly enjoy the consulting itself.. but mostly, I love the people who I get to help.

It seems interesting and quite frustrating to finally feel like I have direction in one area of my life, and feel as though satan is attacking (or maybe merely just whispering to) my doubts and insecurities.

The best way I can describe it is, my inner layers are growing weary; that I desire stability and certainty, but instead what I find is doubt and uncertainty… almost across the board too, which is just aggravating. When I stop and survey all the aspects of things in my life, all of the decisions to be made, the stressors and of course all the uncertainties, I find my heart just being tired… No overwhelming emotion, just fatigue. I know that while I have a huge support system, I am ultimately alone in making decisions, and just feel exhausted at my center for at having to make them all.

I also think some of the weariness is due to trying to work towards healing wounds and insecurities, and realizing that I am probably more fragile than I care to admit or show…

True to my nature though, I tend towards being an all or nothing type person. Now that I have financial and professional direction, I want to work as hard as I can to get the other areas of my life to fall together and heading in the same direction as well.

I mean, I am certain that Jesus is my provider, and I have no doubt that He is also my sustainer. But, I would like to also feel secure and safe for a little while. There is a huge difference between knowing and feeling.

I really am thankful and amazed at all of the ways God has taken care of me, over the last year especially. Words really do not accurately describe the emotions that I feel when I think of all of the people who have stood in the gap… Because, regardless of your view of me, I really am not worthy of the amount of love and support that I have received.

On the other hand, I have felt for years, and even more so over the last year that no matter how many people love and support me, I am ultimately responsible for taking care of myself. My sense of responsibility for taking care of myself does not come from a prideful place, and certainly not from the viewpoint of not needing help, and I have no desire to do this because of an “I am woman hear me roar” attitude. However, my feeling of responsibility is more from the practical sense that, if I do not do it, there is no one else walking this journey with me, so it must be me.

I think now is a good time to pause and say that this “by myself” perspective is not at all directed at my lack of need for Christ or the Holy Spirit’s guidance.. Nor is it directed at feeling as though I do not need help.. cause I without doubt do need help. But, I am certain that my need does not inherently mean it is anyone else’s obligation to step in and help.

There are days that I feel like maybe I seek out and rely on others too much because I definitely seek out other people to talk things over with (sometimes ad nauseam) to help me figure out what and how to do all of this well. I am so, so thankful for the friendship, patience, and support of my sounding boards. But, when I climb into bed at night thinking over my day, I mull over and pray for the things that I did not do so well, the choices that need to be made the following day, and the situations that I am uncertain about, and I am reminded that this journey is between God and I.

“Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you;
He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” – Psalm 55:22

What Will You Do If…

That edge of darkness takes on the form of all sorts of thoughts, comments, and whispers.

Have you ever known in your core that everything will turn out ok, just like it has every other time? But, no matter what you know to be true, and no matter how often you have experienced things playing out exactly perfectly, there is a thought at the edge of darkness muttering, “But, what will you do if….”

The edge of darkness is a little disconcerting because things take on a little bit more of a menacing demeanor, everything looks uninviting, and simply cannot be seen well.

Currently, I find myself in an interesting place. I know that my God, my sweet savior will in fact take care of everything just like He has every single other time. And yet, every time I feel the stress and emotions of the edge of darkness creeping in and tickling with doubtful thoughts, I find myself having to purposefully not allow movement towards it in the slightest. Perpetually forcing the uncertainty out of my head, and instead replacing it with what I entirely know to be True.

What will I do if I do not have a job or place to move by October 1? – I don’t know, but that doesn’t change the situation or fact that God is taking care of every bit of my situation.

What will I do if the money runs out? – I don’t know, but that doesn’t change the situation or fact that God isn’t scrambling.

Where will I go if September 30th comes, and I don’t know where to move? – I don’t know, but that doesn’t change the situation or fact that God knows the next move.

What will I do?… Exactly what I have been doing. Applying for jobs (oh good grief have I been applying for jobs), slowly pack my apartment in preparation of moving on the 30th (or sooner), enjoying the time I have here right now with my friends and family, and pray.

Pray.

Pray.

Pray.

How do I feel about everything? – Depends on the moment. However, there is a distinct difference between my emotions and my soul and spirit; which is at peace. My emotions are fickle and fleeting, so I try not to pay them too much attention.

But, no matter what I feel, what I know to be true is that in a few months this will be a memory and another piece of my adventurous puzzle of a life. In a short time, I will be stressing about something else entirely. Life will continue, I will get the chance to meet new amazing people, and continue to build relationships with the most wonderful people who are already in my life. But, above and through every bit of it, I will be thanking God for dancing me through my inability to see what is going on.

Life isn’t easy, and no matter my emotions, I really do love how my story is getting written.

New Horizons…

They say hindsight is 20/20, and while I totally understand that saying, I actually think hindsight gives you courage and bolsters your faith. I can easily look back on the last year or ten of my life and see how God has been an intimate part of each step. Each move, every dramatic life change, I can see how God was there being a part of it. And then, all I can think is how just interesting life is to me.

A year ago, I was packing up my life and preparing to move half way across the country again to start a new job while leaving my friends, church, and life that I loved behind. To say that it was an emotional and difficult move would be a gross understatement. What is also interesting is as I look back on the last year, I am not gonna lie, it was one of the most difficult, crappy, rewarding, fun-filled, grief-stricken, difficult, sleepless, slobbery, stress-filled, love-filled, hard-working year I have ever had. I had a serious love hate relationship with my job and life here.

There were things that had God’s words and movement written all over them, and other areas where I felt like silence was the only thing able to be heard. I also can say that I learned… a lot. Not always easy or pleasant things, but learning was always at the center of my year.

Throughout the year, I loved my job, I loved being close to family, I loved the friends I made, I loved what I did, I loved the challenges, and yet, at the exact same time, I found myself perpetually discouraged and struggling. A much larger majority of my efforts were spent to overcome at best silly things that had no real eternal basis (which were the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard). Yet, because we live in a fallen and broken world, my only option was to face them… And, thankfully, I feel like despite it all, I saw the best and worst of people this last year, and yet God protected my heart, and I am finding myself completely without bitterness or regret.

That. Is. Awesome.

What I also find myself with is looking for a new job, a new place to live, and a sneaking suspicion that this one will be just as dramatic as the last four times I have made a job change/move.

I do not have any particular inclinations currently as to what or where I will be headed, but I do know that I am at peace with it, and not worried about what is to come… Maybe dreading the packing/moving process a bit.. but otherwise entirely excited.

Not Feeling It…

There are so many times that I have things to say, and question whether it is ok for me to blog about it because I struggle daily with boundaries… Not just my own and finding balance in my life, but also with people passing judgement before understanding. While it is true for everyone, literally everything I do has people watching and evaluating whether it was good or bad… and then making judgement calls on whether that means I am good or bad, have good intentions, or even really care at all. It’s exhausting and tonight I am over it with absolutely no patience for someone else’s decision on whether I have a good heart or not.

Realistically no matter how many people think what I have done or said was good, there are always people who view it as bad. Literally no matter what it is I have said or done.

Tonight I am pretty much fed up and annoyed at the world.

I am tired of being explained by people as being a “High D” (referring to the DISC test).. When in actuality, I am a higher “I” than “D”, but I just so happen to be incredibly high for both “D” and “I”… You cannot actually explain away my behavior by stating “Krista is a high D” because as with most personality tests that I take, I am never just one thing, I always end up being extremes of multiple things…

If you do not know what the letters stand for:

  • Dominance – relating to control, power and assertiveness
  • Inducement – relating to social situations and communication
  • Submission – relating to patience, persistence, and thoughtfulness
  • Compliance – relating to structure and organization

It is a much better description to realize that I am both high dominance and inducement… I’m blended.

Some realities of my life:

I work 60-80 hours a week, every week, and have been for 7 straight months (assuming I don’t work more than 80 hours a week). I do not hang out or go out unless it is by myself.. I could literally count on one hand how many times I have gone out or hung out with other people.

I live alone. — If you pay any attention to me at all, this fact is pretty self-explanatory.

I am in school on top of everything else. And, to top it all off, my computer is acting stupid, still.. But, I don’t have the time to send it into the shop for a week. Grr.

To say that I am tired would be the most laughable exaggeration.

In February I told a group of people that they need to ensure they are pressing their refresh/reboot button regularly… I have totally failed at taking my own advice. Complete fail.

I cannot vent. For me, not venting means not gaining perspective and not processing. I feel as though because I am single, there is an understanding that things cannot be shared since I do not have a spouse to bounce thoughts off of or vent to and gain perspective. The reality is, I am a verbal processor, venting and getting someone to tell me how what I say sounds is the absolute best way for me to process through things.

Judgement is passed on me constantly. I am rarely asked to clarify or explain further, and worse yet, I hardly ever know if someone has misinterpreted what I have said.

I can count in one hand the number of people who I believe could adequately describe “who I am” here. After this length of time, that fact alone makes me want to scream… or cry maybe. Either way it is frustrating.

The concept of healthy confrontation seems to be lost on so many people. I cannot change what I do not know, and I cannot clarify what I did not know needs clarifying. Dealing with confrontational situations are always painful to go through for sure, but I believe you cannot completely trust someone who will not confront you.

I rarely share my heart with people here. Mostly because I am judged constantly, if I say something wrong, then instantly my ministry is “hurt.” But also, I do not often get the opportunity to share my heart; that alone frustrates me more than most things.

People say some the most rude and insensitive things to me all the time.

I appreciate the people who joke with me purely because I get the chance to just be ridiculous.

I am constantly questioned (and judged) about everything I say and do.. literally. Then I am questioned about how I handle it…

Not to sound like I am making excuses, but I would like to draw the attention to the fact that I work, a lot.. and I am in school.. and I have no outlet.. and, believe it or not, I am only 28. I do not make apologies for not being older and more mature, but I am not arrogant enough to not think or recognize that I make a lot of mistakes every day..

Tonight I am tired of it all, and tired of feeling hurt that people don’t even pretend to try to understand me or my perspective. Just totally over it tonight. Tomorrow will be better, but it’s gonna take a lot of prayer time to get me there.

Will You Love Me When I’m Ugly?…

This is a thought I have been mulling over the last week or two.

Let me set the stage for why…

About two and a half months ago, I took the perfect job for me. Seriously, at this point in my life the job is totally perfect. The job allows me to live what I love, use my skills and personality and love people for Jesus.

The first month I was here I basically didn’t sleep at all. Literally, even when I would lay down to sleep I would lay in bed awake for hours, finally doze off and never fully reaching REM sleep for the first month. — Praise the Lord for coffee.. not. even. kidding.

The second month I became ill… As in I slept for days, coughed until my insides hurt with every movement, and finally went to the doctors two weeks later only to discover I had to get four different medications in order to get over whatever ridiculously-long-named illness I had. Once the medication was over, I was not completely better, but was around 95% of the way there… But, I had work to do, so I kept plowing through.

Since Thanksgiving, I have been working in the vicinity of 80 hours a week because things simply have to get done as soon as possible. During those three weeks, my great grandma passed away, and I took exactly one day (Saturday) off to do homework. I have gotten to roughly 40% of the things on my to-do list, and even still the things that I have gotten to are not the essential trainings that I need to pull together and create to begin implementing and training people for the changes in programming we are doing.. (GAH!) Did I mention I also had homework to fit in?

I have things to do.. Lots of things…

And, even in the midst of all of this, I have gotten negative feedback (and just to be clear, not all of my feedback has been negative). I knew taking this job would put me in front of a firing squad so to speak. I also knew, that I would have a lot of difficult times ahead as God moved and asked people to change, and as He used me in whatever way He decided to in order to do that. I also knew that it would be difficult to do all of these things without my close and best friends around to support me or to distract me.. or make me laugh.. or get me out of my own head.. or tell me that I am acting crazy… (seriously, my friends have no idea how much I truly rely on them).

So, back to my question, will you love me when I am ugly?

Will you love me when my patience wears thin and I snap?
Will you love me when I say something wrong?
Will you love me when I don’t have the answers?
Will you love me when I make the wrong decision?
Will you love me when I fail?
Will you love me when I didn’t plan something well?
Will you love me when I don’t do what you wanted me to?

Will you still love me when my ugly is showing?

This picture is not to say or communicate that I am ugly.. but, this is me… before I am any sort of “put together.”

This is what I look like, tired in the morning, before makeup, before I’ve washed my face or brushed my teeth, before my hair is done, before I have even had my coffee…

This was me watching my puppy play in my half asleep stupor… (How does he have so much energy in the morning?!)

Will you still love me before I am put together and presentable?

I am not necessarily looking for comforting words, I am not fishing for encouragement, nor am I interested in people feeling sorry or bad for me… Instead, I just wanted to push others to think. When I (or anyone around you) fail, will you still love them? Will you care for them and forgive them?.. Or will you choose to say things that are not helpful, give feedback that does not spur on to be better, especially before you know the full story or what is really going on. Will you come along side them and figure out what you can do to help?

Just a thought for Thursday.

So Over It…

I am so over school.

Seriously, I am having the worst time motivating myself to do my homework… as in currently I have a paper to write, and instead I am blogging. Awesome.

I recognize that a large part of my aversion to school is that I have 1 week left of this class and 2 classes left until I have completed my double masters! (woohoo!!) — Which, I keep explaining to people sounds way more impressive than it actually is.

I also realize that part of my struggle with motivation is that I have been putting in a crazy number of hours at work the last few weeks, so homework just feels like added stress and like it is taking time that I would rather be putting into work… Which I guess is a good thing that despite the number of hours, I still would rather put my time into work.

On a slightly different note.. I when I took this job I was told that my work would cover me getting a Masters of Divinity.. I sorta freaked out when I was presented with this.. I mean SERIOUSLY… Who needs THREE masters degrees?!… No. One. I informed them I would not really think about it until I had completed these two degrees in May. However, I have been letting the idea ruminate in my head, and turning over all of the possible outcomes of getting an M. Div. or not.

I have narrowed it down to two basic ideas:

  • If I am going to pursue a life of ministry (which I obviously love) then an M. Div. makes complete and perfect sense.
  • However, if I am not planning on or even thinking I am going to pursue a career in ministry, it would make little to no sense to pursue another masters degree, let alone one in divinity.

These might seem like “duh” conclusions.. but, it gives me a pretty clear direction to pray… And, if I am being totally honest, I am not really sure I could pull off getting an M. Div… And, before anyone can scold me, I am being totally serious, and not selling myself short I promise. The reality is I have always had fairly easy classes to bs — hence why it is 10:30 and I am blogging instead of writing my paper. I can write and do homework for most classes easily, especially if it is even remotely close to my field of interest or career… The few classes I have truly struggled with were math related….. or I did not care two licks about, which coincidentally were the only two religion classes I had in my undergrad. But, in all of my classes I have not once had to do serious research or write extensively about things I do not already know a decent amount about.. which, if I pursued an M. Div. I would have a lot of classes I am not sure I could handle or do well in… Not to mention the time involved would be much more intensive than the classes I have had to take to get my current double masters… And, seeing how much time a few of these classes have required I am not sure how I would swing it!

Basically, I have not come to any final conclusion. I have no doubt that God will make it pretty clear one way or another how it will all work out and what He wants me to do.. Thankfully I am not feeling stressed about it, just mulling the possibilities over in my head…

I have begun to plan out how my dad could get the same degree with me!.. I think that might be the only way I survive and make it through haha… But no, seriously.

Power of Empowering…

I love my job.

Seriously. I mean, I have rough days, long days, hysterical days, unproductive days, stressful days, and everything else that can be associated with a job.. But, there is a purpose that I was made to fulfill at this point in my life, and I love it.

One of my favorite things about my job is that I get to empower people to find where Christ is leading them.

I love watching it dawn on people that they can do what God is laying on their heart…

I love walking people through the process of frustration or uncertainty and fear to confidence in their calling.. How cool is that?

There is a freedom experienced in being empowered to do what you were called to do. The amount of things that can happen, the people that can have their lives changed forever because others were empowered, it is truly amazing and inspiring.

When church does what church is supposed to do, nothing, absolutely nothing can get in our way because God is working and moving through dozens if not hundreds of people. The ripple affect of that is astronomical. The tidal wave is ridiculously large, and nothing can stop it. When the Holy Spirit moves, and hundreds of people follow, you cannot help but be swept up and moved too.

I am beginning to see the positive effects of empowering people. I can feel it in my own life, I now work at a place, and for a boss that tells me to “go and do” without partaking in the planning or details. I am experiencing what it means to be trusted and encouraged to stand up and follow where Christ is leading.. And because of it, I can feel the shift inside of me… And soon, others will begin to feel the shift inside of them… God is moving, and when we are empowered, we too will move mountains and bring glory to God.

It is awesome.

I love what cannot help but come by empowering others.