Month: February 2009

Do You HATE Them?…

Ok, so here’s the scenario…

A random person you’ve never met is standing in the road and is looking the direction traffic is going. You turn and see a truck barreling down on them so you say “uhm, excuse me a truck is going to hit and kill you…” They ignore you, and the truck gets closer. So you try again, “No, seriously you need to get out of the road.. NOW!” They smirk and laugh and say “you’re crazy, there is no truck.” All the while not bothering to hear the horn or turn around to see the truck coming right for them….. What do you do? “Ok, sorry to bother you, hope you have a good day..” Tackle them out of the way?.. What do you do?

I mean the reality is if you don’t tackle them out of the way with force they will die. So, do you hate this random person you’ve never met enough to just walk away because they won’t believe you? How much do you hate them to sentence them to death?

Here’s the real scenario…

Every single random person you’ve ever met who does not know Jesus is going to Hell. How can I choose not to tell them, even if it means disagreeing? I mean do I hate them enough to say “ok, well you have a good day then..”

Last night I teared up when Dr. Caner showed this at Campus Church…. Penn is a vocal Atheist.

How much do I hate them?

Be Perfect…

I know I’ve said this before.. but I want so much to be perfect. Not God, but perfect.. I hate missing the mark. :/

I was talking with a friend today and we somehow got on the subject of what we do for other people. I explained my schedule and how few full weekends I actually get with my job and he was amazed at the pace of life I live haha.. But, he cautioned that I be careful not to burn myself out, that I needed to make sure I was taking time for myself and to rejuvenate. I just laughed and explained I tend to live by “go, go, go, and go” until I crash.. then I do whatever I need to recenter myself and do it all over again. The length of time depends on what I was doing and what actually caused me to feel “spent.” Like for example I ALWAYS get sick the last week of camp.. apparently 10 weeks is my limit for that pace that I set for myself haha.. During Christmas break I would always sleep 12-16 hours a night for the first 3-4 nights.. Mom said she figured I needed it and was recouping.. Other times it’s that I go and go doing things that require emotional energy, and those always require a different way of refreshing, which also depends on what it was.. and a large part on things I really won’t go into online 🙂

So, our conversation moved to why I go so hard, and I tried explaining that I really can’t come up with a good reason to tell someone no just because I don’t want to or don’t feel like it.. (This is where I’m having to start MAKING myself push things a little so I have time to work out.. my body will fall apart otherwise.)

But, here’s my philosophy on that..
1. Going out of my way for others isn’t really as big a deal or as hard as people make it out to be, so why not?…
2. I can’t justify saying no to their need or want when it’s just because I “want” to say no or I don’t “feel” like it.
3. People are more important than things or my schedule, gas, energy (or lack of).. and they are definitely worth less sleep, fa niggling the schedule to get it to work, being late to help someone out (if you know me you realize how HUGE that is), and it’s worth having an insane schedule so they can have my time.
4. Being busy is better than being bored.

But.. then last night I found an imperfection in my philosophy.. a flaw.. something less than perfect… I realize that when someone makes me mad, I don’t trust them, they annoy me, hurt me on purpose etc..etc.. I not only abandon the anything to help (or love) them philosophy.. I actually do the opposite.. I avoid and ignore them.. and I harbor feelings of not wanting anyone else to either.. THAT’S HORRIBLE! I realized because of a situation I’ve been partially involved in (although it was not my choosing) and partially there to observe how it played out with others.. I realized that I really struggle with showing love to those who I feel have betrayed, hurt, whatever whatever maliciously.. I don’t want others to help them either, and when they do or do want to, I realized I have to suppress the urge to inform them of every injustice the person has done..

That’s Terrible. Awful. Horrible. Not at all Loving.

I understand there’s a certain line where if someone is going to try and help another there is some information they could use, but… that’s only a good helpful thing if my heart intends it that way.. if I intend it to be good and helpful for the person to use to reach out… otherwise it becomes gossip and malicious.

That’s horrible. I mean people say “oh everyone’s like that..” Psh.. please, as though that’s ever been a good excuse for me… Everyone is not perfect, so obviously I’m not trying to be like them.. Jesus is perfect so clearly I’m trying to be like Him.

So, my resolve?.. To pray for those people.. Sounds silly and insignificant.. but it’s truly not. I may not be able to reach them or change their lives.. but at the VERY least I can not wish ill will on them or try to cause more problems by convincing others of what to be aware of and avoid. I realize I can’t help everyone, and I was not made to reach certain people.. but I should be praying for those who are reaching them or trying to.. and I should be praying for the hearts of those that I struggle with.

Dang I hate not being perfect.

Faith…

Ok, so I know I already posted today.. but I remembered this and I want to write it down before I forget again and the details get even fuzzier…

So, my Junior year I went on a spring break mission trip to NYC. I met the leader Mike cause of this trip, and our contact person in NYC was Sarah… who subsequently is now one of my all time best friends 🙂 Anyway, the trip was absolutely amazing, homeless ministry is different than any other kind of ministry. I forged friendships with Mike and Sarah both because of the trip.

The following year I worked for Mike for our Phonathon, and convinced him to let me be his intern for the spring semester since I needed to do an internship… and I also became the student leader for the spring break trip he was leading going back to NYC (although Sarah was no longer there). While we were there we go Monday nights with Raven Ministries through Times Square Church to Hell’s Kitchen and serve food. The exact location is under a bridge next to this store and next to this huge open area with fencing. Very NY feeling and kinda creepy because you know you’re in Hell’s Kitchen and there are homeless people everywhere looking to get food.. even though they know they’ll get preached to. The basic idea is feed them food, feed them Jesus. Anyway, we had quite the adventure that night with gang members and leaders showing up.. with their briefcase of drugs… a deaf girl who was sweet but clearly “belonged” to one of the guys..

On our walk back (it was 16 blocks maybe?) I was talking with Jose. One of the regular people who go out with Raven ministries on Monday nights.. I was so blessed and touched that he and Thomas remembered me from the year before and were excited to see me. Anyway, Jose and I were talking about my plans and what I was going to do.. was I going to ever come back.. etc..etc.. Well, at that time I was going through the process of joining the Peace Corps. I was heading to Africa for 27 months and I was excited, but scared too. So, we talked about why I was going and what I wanted to do.. I told him all about how I want to love people for Jesus, which is why I loved the NYC trip so much. He began telling me a story that still blows my mind.. part of me thinks there’s no way it happened.. but I know it did.

Jose’s friend is a missionary in India. I don’t remember his friend’s name, so we’ll call him Jon. This story took place 6 months prior.. soo it happened October of ’06. Jon was stationed in a smaller city in India, and he used to walk around praying for the people because while they were decently open to the idea of Jesus they didn’t understand he was THE ONLY God… They had tree gods and monkey gods etc…etc… So, getting them to understand was a real challenge. Anyway, one day in October a young boy of 6 or so died. I don’t remember why but it sorta sent the whole city into mourning. Apparently their customs have them taking several days to go through all the burial traditions.. but, they were doing it and seriously mourning this little boy. So… what did Jon do?.. He told them “My God can bring this boy back.”

** Ok, pause. I don’t know.. actually no.. I do know.. I don’t have enough faith to stand in front of a whole city and say that my God could bring someone back from the dead! I mean what if God’s will or plan was different than mine?!**

So, obviously the next question is “Ok, what do we have to do?” Jon explained to a captive audience who Jesus was and what He did, and told them they had to pray and have faith that Jesus would bring this boy back. So, they did.. They prayed and had faith, and while they were doing that Jon read to them the passage where the Centurion Guard begged Jesus to save his daughter.. and Jesus said because of your faith it is done… RIGHT AS HE FINISHED.. the boy started coughing and WOKE UP!..

**Ok, pause again. At this point it’s been 3 days.. (hmm kinda funny) but the boy wasn’t just sleeping, he was DEAD FOR DAYS.. and just coughed and woke up!.. I would’ve LOVE to have seen the faces of the people there haha!**

Because of this event the entire city has become saved and they believe in ONLY Jesus, and now they are reaching out to the surrounding cities and those cities are becoming saved because of this event…..

So.. Because of Jon’s faith now hundreds with a strong leaning towards thousands will be spending forever with me. I don’t have that kind of faith.I wish I did.. and I intend to do what I can to make mountains jump into the sea…

Dancing…

So, last night I heard a perfect description of what I feel my walk with Jesus looks like or at least should BE like. Dr. Caner explained that a mature Christian isn’t measured by what they say or do when things are good, but what they say or do when things are bad.

He described it as dancing in the pitch darkness because of knowing the light will come.

That sounds so simple and easy. The vivid picture I have in my head describes it perfectly, I wish you could see what I see… 🙂

It says several places in the Bible that God is “a lamp unto our feet” often times, I think I want this million watt halogen spotlight so I can SEE where I’m walking… I dunno how you see your walk, but I’ve always imagined my walk being through a jungle because even with a lamp, you’re still fairly limited on your ability to see beyond straight forward and straight behind you… You can really only see for a short way, and in some cases the lamp light is only JUST enough to see the next step.. one step at a time… Plus, jungles always bring an element of adventure and excitement for me.. and since I see my life that way, it makes sense to see my life as walking through a jungle haha!

But, what if I have no “lamp unto my feet” and all I can see is nothing.. no light, no lamp, no jungle.. no hand waving in front of my face? All I know is where I’ve been and what I’ve been told. What if I don’t feel like walking or dancing? I mean for those of you who know me I am constantly laughing.. I laugh at everything, pretty much whether it’s funny or not.. but usually it’s cause I actually think it’s funny. My laugh is one of my most distinctive features I have based off what others tell me… And, if you’ve been around me for any length of time it becomes quickly apparent that I move.. a lot. Arm gestures, hand motions.. I pretty much involve my whole body when I’m talking or listening… Especially if I’m excited, I mean I literally will jump and dance around haha.. watch me cook in the kitchen lol I tend to dance while I cook… or if I don’t, I slide around the kitchen utilizing the slippery floor and my socks.. I have no qualms about dancing when I hear music, regardless of who’s around.. and my favorite is trying to get others to dance retarded with me… there’s something freeing about knowing you look stupid but not caring and doing it anyway 🙂 … The secret that no one knows is, people look at you wishing they were there doing it too because obviously it’s fun… 😉

…So, what about when I don’t FEEL like dancing? When I’m tired, bored, angry, hurt, depressed, numb, stressed, busy… Does Jesus still get the beautiful me he created?.. No, not really. Not all the time. I wish desperately I could say yes, but I’m still trying to figure this out, so I can’t say yes right now. What I can say is, I have come SO FAR. I remember times when I avoided God cause I didn’t get whatever he was doing.. I am so thankful that I’ve passed the time of blaming God or giving Him the cold shoulder because I didn’t like how He was doing things. I feel like I’m JUST starting to enter the time when I dance regardless of how I feel.

I want to Love my Jesus regardless. I want to be consistent and faithful. I want to Love others when I don’t feel like it. I want to dance even when I don’t understand.

I think it’s interesting that Caner used this illustration because that’s how I describe my time in Ghana. I describe what God did, and how I felt as though I was dancing and it was beautiful and unrestrained, and just for Him. So, I have such a vivid picture in my mind of what that looks like.. but also what that feels like, because if you scan back through my blog in December, it was rough.. God did a lot, and I hurt more seriously and viscerally than I have ever.. It wasn’t the same hurt as being shunned, betrayed, or anything like that.. this was purely for my heart to cut some things off and mold a few areas differently.. man was it painful, but I also knew it was wonderful and beautiful, and ultimately was the next step to do what I was created to do.. And THAT assurance makes it worth it.. it puts the beauty in the dance. It creates the passion behind the moves…

Whether you realize it or not, God is constant, consistent, omnipresent, and He Loves you.. Therefore dancing in the midst of darkness makes sense because we have hope, and not the “wishful thinking” type hope, but the solid fact and the knowledge that rescue is coming because He promised. So, without a doubt light has to come because it was promised to us… Your movie has a good ending, that’s why sad endings feel wrong.. because as Christians we have that good ending, even if we die and our physical ending isn’t good.. our actual ending is Heaven with Jesus… The good guy wins… That’s our good ending 🙂

Babbling..

Have you ever felt like you are a walking contradiction to yourself?.. haha I mean I think about all the things I say and do and how often I can’t decide what I want or like or need so instead I claim it all… Can we do that?

Here’s a couple examples of what I’m talking about…

I HATE onions.. but like the onion flavor in soups

I don’t like eating peppers at all, but I like them in salsa and I LOVE crushed red pepper..

I want to be at home in MI and at school (when all my friends were there), but I wouldn’t want to give up where I am and my friends here…. :/

I REALLY want to have found “the one”… but I’m VERY content to be single and where am right now… haha hmm… People tell me “it will happen when you least expect it..” So, can I make myself least expect it? 😉

I desire to be in Africa RIGHT NOW… but I don’t want to leave what I’m doing here. Is there a moral way to clone? haha

And then of course, there’s the I love and claim Jesus.. and so often do STUPID things that I wouldn’t do if I truly believed.. Dang sin.

See.. I feel like a constant walking contradiction.. Blast… I hate that feeling. Can you be considered consistent when you have things like this that you feel? I’m not sure, I think so because I feel like I can want something but know I couldn’t/shouldn’t have that so I choose to take action otherwise.

On to other things.. DAD IS FLYING DOWN TOMORROW!!!!!!! I’m so excited you don’t even KNOW! 😉 lol I would be even more excited if my whole family was coming.. or even if just my mom was coming with Dad… but I’ll settle for whatever I can get! 🙂 I have decided I’ll have to take turns flying them all down to see me when I can’t go home lol…

In other news.. I’ve also decided actual snail mail letter writing is important and feels different than emails.. so I’ve begun buying stamps regularly and writing to people.. Let me know if you’d like to be included… cause chances are I don’t have your address 🙂

Ok, that’s all I have.. I hope you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day.. and that you feel truly loved by at least our Sweet Savior 😉

To the Guys…

So, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I expect from guys, both who are interested in me, and those who just want to be friends… So, I thought I’d detail that out. This is not directed at any particular guy or couple guys.. This is also not because I feel like someone has messed up or needs a hint, this is just my ramblings and based on my experiences.

I’m sorry I can’t speak for all girls either, we aren’t even close to all being the same or having the same standards.. soo, haha good luck!

This is all directed at guys in terms of how I myself feel.. so it will be a first person to guys kinda thing.. but maybe you can identify with it anyway 🙂

Know what you want before you confuse me.. If you want to just be friends, be clear about that, it drives me absolutely bonkers trying to figure out if you do or don’t like me.. Was that a hint, a sign, a move, the beginning of pursuit, or just expressing a level of complete comfort in the friendship..?

Don’t tell me how attractive… my cousin, friend, the girl across the room, actress etc.. is because chances are I KNOW.. and although there is nothing actually wrong with saying anything about another girl’s beauty.. when you mention it more than in passing and make a big deal about it, what you’re NOT saying hurts more than what you’ve actually said. So, let me spell it out for you.. when you tell me SHE is beautiful, but say nothing one way or the other about me, you’re telling me I’m not beautiful.. I realize this is unintentional and you probably don’t mean it that way AT ALL.. but that’s how I take it.

Don’t tell me I’m “like one of the guys”... This is a twisted compliment.. on one hand I understand what you’re trying to tell me is “we feel comfortable around you like we do our guy friends”… but on the other hand it is also telling me you don’t see me as a girl.. which as odd as it sounds I LIKE being set apart as a girl 🙂

I’m sorry… You’ve been tasked with leading the relationship.. But, the reality is you have, so please own that role. I understand it’s easy for whatever reason to NOT own it, because I’m a natural born leader, because I’m intimidating, because I seem to have it all together, because I’m active, because I have a strong will, because I have a “dominating” personality, because I tend to be constantly going 110mph… I’m sorry, but if you don’t own your role as leader I will quickly get bored with you, lose interest, and stop respecting you…

On that note.. I WANT TO RESPECT YOU! I want you to take the lead, both in a friendship manner and in a more than friends manner. I’m not talking about telling me what to do, but I want to support you, encourage you, and be that kind of person.. I am looking to respect you, please help me do that by actually taking the lead and being a Godly man worth respecting.

Don’t follow me like a lost puppy… While I truly love quality time.. when you have plans with your friends or actually HAVE a life of your own, it keeps me guessing and intrigued. It’s healthy and I like that. Now, please understand I am NOT saying play games with me cause I hate.. hate… HATE that. What I’m saying is have a life and include me in it… don’t make me your life. 🙂

And speaking of playing Games.. Don’t. Be straight forward with me. I’m not saying be rude about it, but I’m ok with having a DTR (Determine The Relationship) and establishing that we are just friends.. will only ever be just friends.. or need to be just friend for now, but maybe later.. or you’re pursuing more than just friends, but need to move slowly.. Anything like that HELPS ME OUT. The problem is that more guys than you realize have played games and either denied it or turned it around and made me out to be the bad guy because I thought they liked me based off of what their actions showed. So, let your actions show what you want, and help that along by TELLING me what is going on. It helps me to understand what you do/don’t do… And, ultimately it allows me to respect you more cause I didn’t spend a million nights trying to figure out why you acted the way you did or said what you did.

Just an FYI.. I WILL analyze every single thing you do. Whether you’re just friends in my eyes or there is a chance for more.. I will probably talk about it with my girl friends, but usually just because I think something is funny or I want their opinion. If I’m REALLY confused, I’ll go to my guy friends that I know are just guy friends to get their perspective. But, don’t get worried or scared.. it’s probably a good thing that I talk about what you do, that means you’re more than just someone I know.. chances are it’s mostly things I thought were funny and worth mentioning or observations I’ve made about something you’ve done. Sometimes though, I need to be talked down because I didn’t understand what you’ve done.. but that’s ok too.

Love Jesus. You have no idea how wonderful and exciting it is to see a guy who loves Jesus and is passionate about finding and actually DOING what he was created for. THAT is attractive. I get so encouraged when I’m around guys who seriously love Jesus and allow that to show. On the flip side, if a guy isn’t interested or is weak in his relationship with Jesus it quickly can become draining and I can’t rely on you as an equal. I want to know that you will fulfill your role as the leader. Trust me, if you are LOVING Jesus and expressing that I will respect you and enjoy showing that respect if you are trying your best to live the life you are supposed to… it’s exciting 🙂

Ok, so what am I really asking of you? If you’re actually interested in pursuing more than friends what do I want? I mean, it’s hard to figure out what to do or not to do. So, first, if you’re interested in me, PURSUE ME. I’m ok if you talk to me on facebook, text, phonecalls, hand written letter, in person, whatever. But, keep in mind too much of one is unbalanced and not good either. So, if you do ALL the talking on facebook I’ll assume you’re just being my friend… if your just texting me I’ll assume you’re either scared or a coward.. or again, just interested in being my friend. So, mix it up a bit… be balanced. If you need to start out with facebook or texting that’s fine.. but, if you want to pursue me, man up and actually do it. Also, talking with me about what is going on is good cause then you’ll know what I’m thinking/needing, and if I’m not feeling “it” we can talk about it before anyone gets seriously hurt.

Confidence

So, last night I had quite an amusing conversation with a couple friends after campus church. (which btw was amazing and you should itunes it under Liberty University, then campus church)… Anyway, somehow we started talking about confidence and one of the girls pointed out I don’t struggle with that. I just busted out laughing and was like “clearly you don’t know me…” which caused her to seriously STOP and just look at me for a bit, then she asked… “Do you struggle with confidence all the time?” That little statement got me thinking…

What is confidence?.. Dictionary.com says that it’s “noun – full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing.” Nowhere in that statement does it indicate that can’t include a nervous feeling too…

Because here’s the thing, I act confident virtually all the time because I do believe in my God, my abilities, my education, my training, etc..etc.. but, that doesn’t mean that inside I’m not nervous about meeting someone new or re-meeting someone I’ve only met once and have no idea if they’ll remember me or being in a situation where I don’t know what to expect. I get nervous for those things, but when push comes to shove I’ll act despite my feelings.

A couple examples…

Meeting a complete stranger. I’m not talking about randomly bumping into someone and being nervous about it, I’m more talking about being somewhere like Sunday school and seeing a new person.. Essentially I have two options.. ignore them as if I don’t see them or act like I don’t realize I don’t know them… or introduce myself. I virtually always choose to introduce myself. Why? Because chances are they are feeling awkward and nervous too.. and since I’ve been going long enough now I pretty much know who the new people are, which means they probably don’t know anyone/many people. I’ve never once had someone be rude when I’ve gone out of my way to introduce myself… Virtually every time that I can remember it made a significant difference to them that I did that, and you can usually see their comfort level increase.. It’s pretty cool 🙂 But, regardless.. I still feel nervous about it, I just choose to act anyway, as though I don’t.

You see I’ve begun to realize there are always going to be those uncertain feelings, but people who give into the uncertain feelings are never the people who change the world. It’s the people who rely on what they know to be true that change the world.. They are the ones who realize, God is good and always there for you, you have the training/experience to back it up, sometimes just letting go and going with it can be the best most freeing solution…. and to experience those things you begin to realize it’s not ever as bad as we work it up to be in our mind.. haha.. wonderful!

Another prime example…

Going to Ghana Africa over Thanksgiving. Let me detail out for you the process by which things happened (or in a lot of cases didn’t)… I met Gl0ria (who was planning the trip) in the middle of October on the roof of a house we were helping to re-roof. We just carried on general chit-chat, until we began talking about missions trips.. she told me how she was going to Ghana Africa for the week of Thanksgiving.. and my response “I’m more than a little bitter that you’re getting to go and I’m not…” so she responded “Come with me. Seriously we’re meeting tomorrow to discuss finances..” So I told her I’d think about it and we’d go from there… The next day I met with them and met Jon (one of two guys going).. we talked about the trip and they both acted as though I was going … Then I found out I had to decide by Wednesday (with it currently being Sunday).. ooooh dang.. So I began praying like crazy, called my dad and asked how I could give it to God in such a way that he would either clearly say yes or clearly say no. God clearly said yes. So I decided to go with 6 weeks til take off, and no actual money in my hands.. or anyone’s hands actually. We needed $8,000 as a team and had roughly $0.. haha.. oh man. We did a few fund raisers, our first one brought in over $600!.. Then things kept coming up like needing a yellow fever shot.. which we found out a week in a half before we were to leave.. Monday (we were heading to Maryland Thursday) we got the shots.. but still had no visas.. and technically no passports either cause they were with the visas in Washington D.C… Oh, and as of Monday we had roughly $5000 of our needed $8000.. and have I mentioned yet that I hadn’t met the guy leading the trip, and had only met Matt the other guy.. twice. How do you not feel nervous about a trip in a country you’ve never been to under these circumstances?

Literally THE DAY Jon and I were leaving (we were heading to Maryland the night before our scheduled departure day to stay with his family so they could take us to the airport), we got our passports and visas in the mail! I had to leave for Amsterdam 2 hours before the rest of the team (which at this point I still hadn’t met the guy leading the trip) because our travel agent for whatever reason didn’t schedule me at the same time.. Once in Amsterdam I for some reason couldn’t communicate that I needed to know where the rest of the team was flying in and kept getting sent to the wrong gate (although according to them the plane was either already in, or delayed 2 hours!)… Again how do you not feel nervous about a situation where you are hours from departing to Ghana Africa.. have NO idea who your contact person is, or what the plan is at that point, and every time you ask the front desk about the rest of your team.. you get a different answer. I had no choice but to act confident.

After 3 unsuccessful tries I was in line again to once again try and explain what my situation was.. and I look down the hall and see Jon walking towards me. haha The wave of relief I felt is really hard to explain, I’m fairly certain he doesn’t even understands how happy I was to see him! We hugged and exchanged stories about how excited we were and how he knew where to find me and what I was doing.. He took me back introduced me to Wayne who was leading our trip, and it was at that point that it was explained to me we would be doing evangelism in Ghana… no actual service project. Hmm.. ok, let me explain to you how completely unlike me it is to do evangelism… I NEVER feel comfortable doing it. I sorta feel like I should do something for them first to earn the right to tell them about my Jesus. But, nope that wasn’t included in the itinerary… Haha.. Given that I’m already in Amsterdam, 3 hours from departure to Ghana for a week, I essentially have two options…

1. Act nervous and make others nervous. Bring up all the things I am unsure about and not confident about… potentially risking putting that in the heads of the people around me…

or…

2. Act confident and pray a lot about the fact that I didn’t like the idea that we were planning “crusades” and I didn’t know how to evangelize the Ghanaian people.

And the great thing is, I’m so glad I went because it changed my life forever. I am simply not the same person. I would do everything over again, I would go again or do something as equally scary just to experience anything close to what I did. God was so good.. but I was nervous and uncertain the whole time.. but I chose to act as though God was moving my steps anyway.. and I’m so thankful I did 🙂

You see, outwardly I seemed confident and I seemed excited. But, inwardly I was sooo nervous and scared that things were gonna turn out terribly. But you see, the bottom line is it’s out of my control anyway. It either will or it won’t work out, either way God’s got it.

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” – Hebrews 10:23

So, if you ever wonder.. chances are I feel nervous, or uncertain, or scared, or have butterflies in my stomach, but I’ve realized that all the great things that are worth anything in life require me to act anyway. That’s what makes them feel so great once you’ve done it, because you didn’t know if you could, but then it happened and God showed up and it’s amazing 🙂 And sometimes acting confident is what someone else needs to see… and that too makes it worth it… So, a lot of times I act confident not because I am, but because the other choice isn’t really a choice at all, but a way of living in fear of what “might be” and since my God is so big.. why would I choose to live in fear?