Where Were You?…

Ok… So this speaks to me recently.. A LOT.

(Job 38)

The LORD Speaks

1 Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:
2 “Who is this that darkens my counsel
with words without knowledge?

3 Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.

4 “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.

5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?

6 On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone-

7 while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels shouted for joy?

8 “Who shut up the sea behind doors
when it burst forth from the womb,

9 when I made the clouds its garment
and wrapped it in thick darkness,

10 when I fixed limits for it
and set its doors and bars in place,

11 when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;
here is where your proud waves halt’?

12 “Have you ever given orders to the morning,
or shown the dawn its place,

13 that it might take the earth by the edges
and shake the wicked out of it?

14 The earth takes shape like clay under a seal;
its features stand out like those of a garment.

15 The wicked are denied their light,
and their upraised arm is broken.

16 “Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea
or walked in the recesses of the deep?

17 Have the gates of death been shown to you?
Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death?

18 Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?
Tell me, if you know all this.

19 “What is the way to the abode of light?
And where does darkness reside?

20 Can you take them to their places?
Do you know the paths to their dwellings?

21 Surely you know, for you were already born!
You have lived so many years!

22 “Have you entered the storehouses of the snow
or seen the storehouses of the hail,

23 which I reserve for times of trouble,
for days of war and battle?

24 What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed,
or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?

25 Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain,
and a path for the thunderstorm,

26 to water a land where no man lives,
a desert with no one in it,

27 to satisfy a desolate wasteland
and make it sprout with grass?

28 Does the rain have a father?
Who fathers the drops of dew?

29 From whose womb comes the ice?
Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens

30 when the waters become hard as stone,
when the surface of the deep is frozen?

31 “Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades?
Can you loose the cords of Orion?

32 Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons
or lead out the Bear with its cubs?

33 Do you know the laws of the heavens?
Can you set up God’s dominion over the earth?

34 “Can you raise your voice to the clouds
and cover yourself with a flood of water?

35 Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
Do they report to you, ‘Here we are’?

36 Who endowed the heart with wisdom
or gave understanding to the mind?

37 Who has the wisdom to count the clouds?
Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens

38 when the dust becomes hard
and the clods of earth stick together?

39 “Do you hunt the prey for the lioness
and satisfy the hunger of the lions

40 when they crouch in their dens
or lie in wait in a thicket?

41 Who provides food for the raven
when its young cry out to God
and wander about for lack of food?

Humbled Heart…

Even when I have it all together, things out of my control spiral into chaos. I can do nothing wrong, and still find myself in the midst of issues and problems to solve…

Last night I was faced with a situation that to be totally honest is not the end of the world, or even close to it. Yet, somehow it still hit just the right spot at the right time to cause a meltdown of sorts.. probably the closest to a meltdown that I have had in.. more than a year probably.

All the details aside, the biggest thing was the realization once again of how totally out of my hands everything is. I can do everything right, mind my own business, keep the confidence of friends.. and yet somehow that can still lead to my character being questioned. I am not totally sure why it irks me so badly when my character is questioned.. or I guess when it is questioned by people who should know me better than that.

Regardless, this situation became like a title-wave, I suddenly was face to face with the realization that I am helpless. But, it was more than that, I feel like I am being shown the areas of my life that I feel I have it all together, that I do not really need God to take complete control and guide me…

Jesus is really been working into me the need for my reliance on Him.. even (or especially) when I feel like I have it all together..

So, somehow this situation, that ultimately was not the biggest of deals, lead to me sitting in a small garden with a water fountain and several benches after dark, bawling and praying to my sweet Savior to help me.. explaining that I was afraid of being helpless and not wanting to learn these things that it seems like He is trying to teach me, I was frustrated and I know I need Him, but haven’t a clue how to make everything work. I was frustrated that even when I do nothing wrong things still fall apart, and in the process I take the attacks on my character personal. Satan knows where to plant the fears, and I do not like the idea that I cannot handle whatever comes my way. But, the reality is I cannot… Even the smallest of things need to be given over, let go of, relinquished.. That’s where true freedom will come…

*sigh* I feel like I have a lot to learn suddenly.

What do I know?… Lead Me to the Cross…

So, I have had Lead Me to the Cross stuck in my head for days now… I am in no way complaining, but it has been there none the less for three or more days. So much so, that I finally had to buy the song off Itunes because I just needed to hear the song over and over at one point.

I love the simple words and her voice and how basic it seems. I love that she points out that the blood He poured out is also the love He poured out.

After this song, I keep thinking of the one line over and over from another song… “What do I know of Holy?..” This song makes me think, it is so incredibly vivid for me…

“I think I made you too small..” – I can think of time after time when I simply underestimate my Jesus, I forget that I was not there when He created the thunder to roll.. and I was not there when He spoke everything into existence.. JUST by speaking.. I can’t do anything even remotely close to that simply by speaking.. NOTHING.. that idea blows my mind.

“Where have I even stood. But the shore along Your ocean?” – What if this is all we get to do until we meet Jesus face to face?… That means there is infinitely more to this whole Jesus thing then we can ever comprehend… The vastness of that concept blows my mind…

“The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees” – I can think of so many times when I thought I had life figured out, together, things were flowing seamlessly.. And then I would have an encounter with my Savior.. and suddenly I was totally overwhelmed with how incredibly small I am. How big He is and how weak I truly am..

Helpless. I can do absolutely nothing without Jesus. Dang.

The Lyrical Heart…

It has been a long time since I have posted quotes from songs that really hit me. First, I want to say how much I love Pandora.com. It is one of my favorite things each day while I work. These songs stir things inside of my heart and I feel like I am the one echoing the words… As though my heart has a voice all its own, and this is what it is saying today…

“Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross” – Lead me to the Cross – Hillsong

“The more I get alone
The more I see I need to get alone more, more
Cause just when I think that I’m alone
Your Spirit calls out to me
And even silence has a song
Cause that’s when You come
Sing over me

Still, let me be still
Let me be okay
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I’m so quick to move
Instead of listening to You
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life still” – Still – Watermark

“I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

…What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life “its” name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?” – What Do I Know of Holy – Addison Road

I do not really have anything else to add, these songs are speaking from my heart today.

One of Those Days…

So, today has just been one of those days. It started fine, exercising before it was light out.. shower, head to work.. fight in order to not fall asleep because last night I slept terrible. That should have been my first clue. I never reached REM sleep.. in fact every 30 minutes or so I would wake up and either look at the clock or try to get comfortable, warm, whatever. Anyway, on my way to work I listened to several chapters of the Bible and then switched to worship music. The entire way I just felt ridiculously tired…

Once I was at work I commenced doing random things, but I was blah, assuming it was still just tired, and taking mental note that I need more sleep tonight…

Then we had staff meeting, long, mostly not information for me, but I was taking notes regardless. Then an outburst came… thus enter terrible day… Mid outburst and defense.. and rebuttal.. and anger I jumped in to try and mediate proving that both sides had valid arguments and to be totally honest both were justified in their feelings (although one side was not communicating that well at all). Eventually the topic got canned.. maybe too later, who knows.. Had lunch, discovered several people were very uncomfortable with the way things transpired.

So, in my I’m not afraid of people or confrontational way I really felt like I needed to talk to the main culprit of the anger in the entire thing. So, a couple hours later I went and asked about a couple things then casually said “maybe your reaction was a little over the top early?” Instantly I was confronted with anger towards me, suddenly I was a liar and a backstabber and how dare I feel like I can jump in the middle. I begin explaining my intentions and correcting the things I did not in fact say, but were simply misunderstood. Apologized if what I said was misunderstood etc..etc.. But, either way this person decided I should just go away because they have no use talking to me…. So, what do I do?.. Sit down.

That set them off, they began into me about how I have no business talking and sharing my opinion because I am to young to understand. Everything I said was a lie anyway and they knew that for a fact… and I have no business sitting down what in the world do I think I’m doing. I just looked at them, and finally was like “We will resolve this, so I will sit here until we do.” Apparently still not the best action because they went on and on about whatever.. and finally I jumped in and was like “ok, you need to realize you did not understand what I said..” so I proceeded to explain what I said (almost verbatim, then an explanation of the intentions, and the things I did not actually say regardless of what they interpreted me to have said. I also explained that it may not be in their best interest to assume I do not know what I am talking about, because regardless they know nothing of my past.. not even past jobs, so although I am young they should not foolishly assume that means I know nothing.

They proceeded to complain about all the things that are wrong, and I countered with all the things that could be better if they utilized resources. After a bit of chit chat I got up to leave, and I calmly said “oh, and for future reference… Don’t call me a liar ever again. If you don’t understand, or need clarification that’s totally fine. But, don’t ever call me a liar.” They get this sly look on their face and retort with “Why? what would you do chop me?”

*pause* … Whatever would make them think that is a valid threat, when they have never heard me even jokingly say it is beyond me… Especially in a professional work environment. The only thing I can gather is that they have decided the type of person I am is one who uses intimidation to get my way… Sad day.


I just looked at them and said “No, I would never do that. But I will go over you if you do it again.”


After that there was really no salvaging the day. I spent the rest of my work day fighting with not only the emotions of the staff meetings, and then the irritation and anger at being called a liar..

I spent more than half the ride home in silence just talking to Jesus about how I felt and all the things I did not like about what had happened, the things that caused it, and the things I am totally helpless to change. I think the thing that makes it the most frustrating is the issues would be so easy to fix, if people would listen to me.


Jesus, I can’t fix this. I can’t make them change or want to change even… I can’t even make them understand. I don’t know what to do, and I’m not even totally sure how to feel about everything. All I know is I am weak and unable to do anything.

Transparent Weakness…

So, I was talking with one of my roomies via some form of online chat… (we don’t often get to be at home at the same time so we resort to technology to stay connected lol) And, she asked me how my “such a girl” thing was coming, so we began talking about it and the things I was sure about and the things I am not so sure about. For example, I am sure I love being a girl haha.. simple, easy, no doubts.. I would never want to be a boy (whew!). I am so thankful I was created tall, athletic, loud (sorry if anyone finds it obnoxious), an infectious laughter, animated, capable, strong willed, determined, etc..etc.. (the list is rather long when I think about it).

But, what about the things I dislike? Once we were talking about it, the thing I hate is pretty simply when I am lumped in with the general populous (especially of girls) in a negative way. I find myself going the extra mile to make sure I am set apart, unique, different.. whatever word you want to give to it, I dislike it when some other girl’s shortcomings are lumped onto me and assumed I have the same problems. But, lets be honest, we all do it.. and I know I do it, especially if someone reminds me of someone else either in they way they look or mannerisms. Somehow I associate the two as the same and treat them unfairly due to the downfalls of someone else… I mean obviously this can work the other way around too, and we can think better of someone, or connect with them quicker because of someone else in our life who is a person of significance to us.

So.. Here it is, my biggest issue is, when I am seen as weak, unable, unequal, etc.. etc.. The weird thing is I have no problems sitting before my Savior and pouring out my weakness, asking Him to help me, save me, heal me, restore me, carry me, etc..etc.. no problems admitting those things to Him… In my mind.. In my prayers.. when no one else has to know. Granted, there are a certain number of people that I am totally ok being “not ok” with. My family and several friends, I am ok being weak around because I know from experience it does not lower their view of me or cause them to start treating me as less than capable. I have also come to the point that I will admit when things are bad or not going well if asked, but I do not often volunteer that information… but at least I have grown enough to realize lying about it is entirely the WRONG approach to the situation. I have gotten to the place in my life where I realize I need to be transparent and allow those around me to see the imperfection that is my life on its own, and then see the redemption that is my life when Christ steps in and saves me and fixes things. I have become much more intentional in this area simply for the reason that I do not want to push people away from me or from Jesus because I have pretended to have it all together. I no longer expect people to reciprocate (although I never complain if they do 🙂

In all honesty.. my transparency is totally intentional.. and totally on my own terms. I can think of times that I did not listen to the pull at my heart to share and connect with someone when they needed me to.. And, I can think of times that I felt I should share and didn’t because I didn’t know for SURE the person needed to hear me say something.. :/ Sad day.

With this revelation, I still hate being seen as weak and unable. But, now I am starting to realize that this is not my place to determine. I AM weak and unable far more often than I let on… and it is not my place to decide how those around me take it. My hope and prayer, truly from the very core of who I am is, that in all of this I can be a graceful mix of weak and unable, yet strong and capable because of my Savior’s role in my life, and that it will be evident that that is all that makes the difference.

When people look at me, I want them to see grace and beauty. I want them to see the me that Jesus created… but only because He is so ridiculously evident in every fiber of my life that it is apparent He is the only reason I am who I am. I want people to be able to see who I am despite who I am… if that makes any sense at all. I mean I want them to truly get it when they see me… temper and all.. I want them to see who I could be, but am not because Jesus has decided to make me and grow me into so much more.

I don’t really know what that looks like right now… And, that is ok. I don’t need to know until it is time to know…

Such a Girl…

So, here’s the thing.. Obviously I am a girl.. but I HATE when people say, “You’re such a girl” .. Even the people I know who are saying it with truly nice intentions. I seriously dislike it… Mainly because, somewhere along the way it got conveyed that being told “You’re such a girl” was sort of derogatory, and it was meant in a less than positive light… it somehow means that I am not as good, too much to handle, emotional, and obviously not as perfect as a boy, somehow I am found lacking. I do not have a clue where this understanding came from.. lots of small comments here and there probably.. from both guys and girls…

Growing up, I have always known I hated being compared to the general girl population at large.. I try to set myself apart from them in an effort to “make up” for the retardedness that, lets be honest, IS us girls (especially as a whole). Part of that feeling of needing to make up for girls comes from my tomboy side, where if the boys could do it, so could I. I always have strived to be either better or at the very least equal to them. Whatever I was striving for, it all centered around not being weak. I think that is one of the reasons I enjoy the Martial Arts so much… I have to do things differently (to make up for my lack of strength), but I was always comparable to the boys in technique, speed, timing, strength, agility, etc.. etc..

And, like always, somewhere along the way God started changing my heart. Somewhere along the way I realized my role to play is not the same as the guys… I started acknowledging my desire to be found beautiful.. not just skillful or capable. At some point I realized, I truly love being a girl.. but, it still seems like it is not a good thing to be a girl.. or a typical girl. And yet, if you ask anyone they would NEVER admit that… unless, they had to deal with an emotional, bi-polar, high-maintenance, needy, weak, girl.. then suddenly she becomes “such a girl” again. I can honestly say I am not sure I have ever heard that saying in a positive light. Somehow, it always carry’s negative connotations.

In the ever present Jesus trying to mold me and shape me, my views tend to never stay exactly where they are for very long. Maybe, it has something to do with the fact that every single day I ask God to make me into the person He wants me to be. Maybe, it has something to do with the fact that I tell Him to use me and send me wherever He wants to.. I dunno.. either way, He is constantly moving, molding, growing, and stretching me… Constantly. No joke.

So, last night I was talking to one of my best friends.. I love talking with this friend about growing and molding things that God is doing because he always has such a unique perspective that is totally grounded in Scripture, makes sense and always makes me think. Even if I do not adopt all of his views or perspectives, he always gets my mind mulling over the topic.. Which I love…

Anyway, we were talking and our conversation got around to a particular guy in my past who whether intentionally or inadvertently caused a ridiculous amount of pain, self loathing, hurt, destruction, insecurities, etc..etc.. in my life. It took me 6 months to recover, and in that time God did a lot.. and honestly He pretty much held me together cause I could not handle any sort of attacks on my heart during that time. I was ridiculously fragile, and He so lovingly knew that and protected me while healing me and piecing me back together better and stronger..

In the course of the conversation I was explaining how everything went down, and how destructive it was on my heart. He so carefully listened and processed, and asked a couple questions, then asked why I thought it had caused so many problems. So, I began explaining the whys behind the story itself.. basically, it was because I made a conscious decision to allow this boy to pursue me, I decided that even though there were obvious challenges because of his honesty it would work, that I needed to seriously work on and learn how to be supportive and submissive, a little more dependent than I had been in the past, and I needed to learn how to be BE pursued. So, I did. I began actively doing things to make myself learn, all the while being scared, but knowing I needed to learn how to do this. And, then in the end for whatever reason in a 30 minute conversation where we were trying to work a couple things out.. he tore me apart. Everything I was trying to learn and do, and the various ways I was trying to grow he shredded to pieces. He somehow attacked my insecurities and planted seeds of doubt into the things I was confident in. Satan had a heyday with this and knew it. Satan KNEW exactly where to hit me and how hard to hit me… I literally was not expecting it, and it blind sided me. My armor was down because I chose for it to be.. and it about killed me from the inside out. I have never loathed myself so much. To this day it literally pains me to remember this whole thing, and how much havoc Satan was able to accomplish inside my heart.

My friend thought for a moment, and summed it all up saying basically I allowed myself to be weak and vulnerable and he tore it apart instead of taking care of that.. Which, is pretty much exactly what happened… I explained a few more details and thoughts..

Then, my friend lovingly smiled and said “You’re such a girl.” ……….. What?!… I knew he did not intend it in any harmful way or in a negative light.. but I honestly could not think of a positive way he could mean a statement like that. So, I began pushing for an explanation for why he would say that. At which point a couple things became clear…

1. I dislike being weak, and being told I’m a girl assumes a weakness I despise.
II. His meaning for saying what he said, and my understanding.. NOT the same.. not even close…
Tres. In an effort to “make up” for all the other crazy girls in the world certain aspects of being a girl I have decided are not good.
Four. I seriously need to take a closer look at the things I dislike, and even the things I do like, and put them to the test in the Bible.

Soo.. With all that said.. Here I go. In the next little while, I will be detailing out where God is growing, moving, asking me to let go, things I need to realize, hang onto etc.. etc.. All in an effort to.. well, grow and become more of the GIRL my sweet Savior wants me to be….

Ugh, why do I feel like this is going to be a ridiculous challenge?.. A positive? I am doing this with another girlfriend… We shall see where God leads us.