Month: May 2010

Random Splattering…

So, this is yet another gushing post haha

This past week or so has just been mass chaos. Beyond the insanity that has been work, I have painted 2 houses and moved.. Plus, I went to OH this past weekend for a wedding. Needless to say figuring out how to fit it all in and sleep has proven to be quite the challenge. But, come Friday when I was about to head out to Ohio, I was no where near done moving, and had gotten way less done then I had hoped I would get accomplished. My roomie was planning on moving over the weekend, and we had enlisted some friends to help move the washer and dryer, and a couple other friends had informed me not to worry about my stuff that they would move it… But, I still felt bad for not being there, and for the fact that they had to move my stuff.

Friday just before I left, the boy came over and hung out for a bit while I finished packing my stuff and the car, then so graciously helped the roomie move stuff (in INSANE humidity) from the old house to the new house… He got my 9 cube shelf up into my new loft.. which I was pretty sure was an impossible task, and that I would have to later at some point take it apart, cart it upstairs and re-assemble it. I was not looking forward to the task; but, he somehow (I still haven’t figured out how) got it up into my room… I was SOOO excited when I found out 🙂 haha you have no idea.

Saturday while I was busy playing catch up with old friends and getting things set up for the wedding, the boy spent his day fixing things for me, finishing the painting, put the light cover switch plates back on, organized the mass quantities of boxes that were all over my room, made my bed, and a whole assortment of other little things… And I had no idea.. none.

Sunday after the 8 hour drive home I was totally exhausted, and knew I had about an hour to nap before I had told friends I would show up to have dinner with them and other friends from out of town. After that, I was headed to see another friend who was in from out of town… When I got home, I made my way to my room and discovered everything that he had done. I sat on my bed grinning from ear to ear and giggling as I read the note explaining everything, then I sorta just sat there for a while and took it all in.. I was just totally stunned and had not expected it at all. I am pretty sure I looked ridiculous as I sat there grinning and soaking in all the hard work he had done.. which had to have taken a long time… I proceeded to gush to him about how awesome he is.. and he pretty much just laughed at me.. but, I am still pretty sure he has NO idea how big of a deal what he did was to me.

I think the thing that blows me away the most is how much he did not have to do any of the things he did, yet he chose to. I had not hinted at wanting him to, nor had I hoped he would.. It just simply was not on my radar as something to be aware of or think about. I had it all planned out in my head, how the timing would work out, and what the priority list was of things still needing to get done. I had anticipated everything and had planned accordingly (or so I thought)… The amount of stress that was lifted, and the level of appreciation that I have for everything he did really is almost impossible to explain. How he figures out all the perfect ways to help is beyond me. All I know is, I am so thankful for him and his thoughtfulness… all the time. 🙂 Not to mention the friendship he offers me.. He listens to me vent and think out loud, and encourages and pushes me everyday. haha… He really is oblivious to all the ways he makes a difference to those around him, which is kinda cool to me.. But, I wish he could just for a moment see how big of a difference his mere presence is to those of us that he cares for. He has no idea, and I have no way of really communicating it to him. Once again, regardless of where Jesus leads us in the future, I am changed and grateful for who he is, and the fact that I get the chance to be friends with him. 🙂

Deflating…

So, I feel like the last 6 months have been one continuously growing stress ball…


Like every little thing was just adding more helium to my balloon, and I was getting dangerously close to exploding….




Then, slowly.. little by little I have watched the stress begin to fade, to deflate and dissipate. A whole slew of things are finally changing, such as getting into our new house, getting most of the painting done, some of the moving… Getting the major work projects done, or mostly completed.
The last couple days have been really great. I have gotten all kinds of things done, which always helps me feel better and more accomplished. I have gotten to practice martial arts again, allowing my body to be active and move in familiar patterns again… not to mention, I have gotten to talk about martial arts and allow my mind to dive deep into a topic I am so intimately acquainted with, which, that alone is a huge stress reliever. My roomie finally closed on the house and we began the mass exodus of painting and moving last night… Simply being able to be active and not in a holding pattern has proven to be a huge help for both her and I…
But, mostly, I have been laughing more. And, while I have continued to laugh, I have not laughed even a fraction of the amount that would be considered normal for me in the last several months. I have commented several times that laughter has this weird healing, relaxing, and restoring ability. I am not sure how or why God made laughter that way, but He has, and it is a great thing. What I do know is, I have been laughing a lot more the last few days, and it has been a great thing for me. Last night I laughed a lot while we were painting the new house… It may possibly have been aided by the paint fumes, but, I am ok if that is the case 😉 We had SO much help last night, it was such a wonderful reminder of how our friends are simply amazing.. and dedicated people.. not to mention funny, it was just nice to laugh at funny sayings, inside jokes, voices, comments, hip checking the wall and losing, people singing along with the music… whatever it was. And, even though my painting partner for my bedroom was more entertaining then painting help, it was exactly what I needed.. to just laugh and be kept company.
So, the marathon that is the next week is not over, but I am finding the stress beginning to deflate. Thank you Jesus!

Giddy…

I do not tend towards being giddy.. I mean, all the time I am easily excitable.. I get loud and animated for pretty much anything haha.. But, the typical “little girl” giddiness really does not happen to me often… And, lets be honest.. I have not been giddy about anything in a very long time… Let me give you a bit of insight into how odd I can be… haha

Last night, I got home from work and running a couple errands, and just had a lot of pent up stress that was threatening to completely run over me again. So, I decided I needed to work off extra energy and I went running. I was annoyed when at 2 miles my knee began hurting again and I had to walk… But, at least I got 2 miles in. Plus, it was hot and muggy enough that I was sweating as though I had just run 10 miles. When I got home, I got a text asking if I wanted to “play with sticks” … which essentially means do some martial arts training.. And, the answer is ALWAYS yes, if I can fit it into my schedule at all. But, the problem in living where I do is, there has been no one who cares to really learn or has the training to actually allow me to get a work out in. So, to be honest, I have not trained seriously in about 2 years. Which, for someone who has had martial arts as a significant part of her life since she was 7, that has posed quite the challenge mentally and physically not to have that outlet… But, such is life, and you must adapt, so I have.

However, last night I got to train. Not the all-out-hardcore until I cannot move type training.. but, I got to begin teaching the basics again, and have my partner pick it up insanely quickly, with technique that is only in need of some basic tweaking. The awesome thing was, once they had the basics, they pushed it, they went harder and faster.. which means that I got to as well. I was impressed though to find that for the most part harder and faster for them did not mean a lack of technique or a loss of the tips and changes I had made to their technique. It was definitely a nice change of pace to teaching… And, since they are a lot bigger than me, it means I have to really be on my game while at the same time allowing my muscles to remember the movements that are so familiar.

Several times last night while we were training, I could not help but just grin because I was doing something that is so intensely familiar and like home, and that I made me a little giddy inside. So, I became a giddy little girl because I got to play with my sticks and do martial arts again. haha I am so weird sometimes… 🙂

Function…

So, I love the weekends, usually they bring a much needed break from the pace of the weekend, I end up being able to get a lot of things done that I want to do, and usually I really enjoy whatever they bring.

This weekend I find myself fighting to not stress out over the things that I have to find a way to fit into this next week. Last night I was able to get a bunch of stuff done, and then finally watch a movie and just let myself relax.. not worry about tomorrow (which I know we are not supposed to do anyway), not stress about timing of things next week, not try and figure out how to fit every work project in this next week.. but just.. be, no agenda, no timeline, nothing.. just watch the movie and sit or lay on the couch.. whatever. It was wonderful.

Then today I woke up finally to people moving one of my roomies out, and although I was warned they were coming, I had not been sleeping well anyway and I still found myself annoyed. I had to work for a while today, and was even more annoyed when I found out it was really pointless and the hour drive and the “lunch” was not worth my weekend time, or the added stress to my weekend. Awesome. I feel bad because I left there to go spend some time with friends, which was good for a while, but as soon as we stopped doing anything and everyone started giving the “now what” vibes I began to grow ansi and all the stresses of the next week started creeping into my mind. All I could think about was how I did not feel well and I have a million things to get done this week… So, making probably a poor choice I decided to leave.. in part so I could get some stuff done, but also in part because I did not want my mood to transfer to anyone else.

First order of business when I got home was a nap to hopefully aid in feeling better… Now, on to getting things done to hopefully help ease some of the stress of the next week!… Ugh I need Jesus and hugs this week…

Headlong…

“The wise woman builds her house,
         But the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” – Proverbs 14:1


Sometimes.. or a lot of times I feel like the foolish woman it is talking about. I always talk about trying to be patient, graceful, loving, understanding, compassionate.. whatever.. but the reality is I am still a fool and I fail constantly… It is rather aggravating. I am impatient, and I tend towards not understanding or being compassionate. I am easily excitable and prone to exaggerate. One of my wonderful friend’s comments last night was, “Well.. you tend towards throwing the baby out with the bath water…” … And, she is right… and I hate that she’s right.


It never ceases to amaze me how much I can have something figured out, and then totally get thrown for a loop. I can have conversations figured out in my head, I can know exactly how someone will respond, and I can have my mind made up… and then.. oh wait, I have no clue how to respond, because the conversation I thought would take place in my head… does not even come close to what actually takes place.


Last night, I was praying and sorta allowing Jesus to sift through the mass quantities of emotions that I am not used to having overwhelm me. I attempted to just sit there and let Him seep into my heart and mind, but I could not get myself to calm down on the inside. The biggest problem was, I have spent most of this week dealing with self imposed emotions because I decided to be impatient and not actually find out what was going on.. I just made a decision based on a fraction of the information, and the sad part is, I knew I probably did not have all of the information… Sometimes my stubbornness drives even me crazy.. I know better then to assume I have all the information, much less to make a decision about what I think about everything knowing I do not have all the information.


After talking to a couple people last night I was able to resolve some of the hundred thousand things adding stress into my life currently, and I found myself standing in the middle of the disaster that is my room.. and just incredibly humbled at the level of patience those around me have for my stupidity… I am so insanely blessed by how often those around me really keep me from plowing head long into trouble, and then, how patient and compassionate they are with the repercussions or the emotions that inevitably follow whatever my latest blunder has been. This feeling then of course began to seep its way into my journaling and praying to Jesus… I am just amazed at how much He chooses to care about me, and how often I am just retarded in my actions and choices, yet He patiently finds and returns me to Him every time. 


Nights like last night are really good and humbling for me because it reminds me how much I am just not “there” yet.. How much more I have to improve and how much further I have to go, and how much more graceful and quick to forgive and be patient with others I need to be.


Now, onto being patient and forgetting how stressed out I am about everything else going on…

Seek…

“Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. ‘You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. ‘I will be found by you,’ declares the LORD..” 
– Jer. 29:12-14a



I Love these verses.. If you do not know, this comes AFTER we have been told that He (The Lord) knows the plans He has for us… and that basically His goal is not to smite us or bring calamity into our lives… But to use us to bring glory to Him. 


He desires for us to intimately know Him.
He wants to watch us succeed and do and be exactly what He created us to do and be.
He wants us to be passion filled.
He wants us to look to Him and seek Him regardless of what is going on.


He wants me.
He wants you.


He desires for us to choose and seek after Him.


Today I woke up feeling exactly like I have every other morning recently… first thought being, “Lord, do I really have to do this day?…” The simple answer?.. “Yes. Now get up.”


So, obediently I got up and began my day.


But, today is a little different, I read the verses above and for the first time in a long time I felt this, not just logically understood that it is true. I understood deep down inside of me that Jesus is asking me to seek Him, He WANTS to hear me, He loves just getting to sit and talk with me. He Loves Me.


If my God loves me, then what perspective does that give my life? How does this change the way I approach each day? How does that affect my hope? It changes everything.


My uncle sends me daily devotional readings that he really likes from the Ransomed Heart ministry. These are a few excerpts that I really liked from what he sent me today, 

“Faith looks back and draws courage; hope looks ahead and keeps desire alive… 
But the road is not entirely rough. There are oases along the way. It would be a dreadful mistake to assume that our Beloved is only waiting for us at the end of the road. Our communion with him sustains us along our path. “

Communion with my Sweet Jesus along the way is what makes the difference. I have been spending hours upon hours praying and journaling every aspect of what is and has been going on in my life in an attempt to draw closer, not fall further away from my Lord, and it is not proving easy. However, doing so is allowing me the chance to see balance and sustaining that is taking place in my life instead of the uncertainty and chaos that I feel constantly on the brink of falling into. I do not understand why, I do not see the purpose, I do not see the morning coming to change my night.. But, what I am beginning to see once again is that I am not forgotten, I am not discarded, I am not being punished… I am being walked through another difficult time in my life, and I will be able to use this to further glorify my Jesus later. 

I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I will be so thankful for this time later when I have to rely on the things I am learning now to handle whatever I face later. I want to get from here to there being found faithful.

Life is not easy, and lets be honest sometimes it just sucks… But, every single hard time is worth it later when I am able to use it to help someone else, to encourage them, to push them towards Jesus… when this current time smoothes my rough edges just a fraction more allowing me to look and reflect my savior  a little bit more.

So, today is not easier, I do not understand anything more then I did yesterday, my frustrations and pain have not eased. But, I found that I am finding reassurance and hope in the fact that my Lord wants me to seek Him, and He will find me in return. Meaning, ultimately.. this has a purpose and I am not lost and forgotten.

Seek and you will find…

Mirror Mirror…

What do you see when you look at yourself in the mirror? What feelings and emotions follow when you catch a glimpse of how you looked this morning? Do you even actually look at yourself anymore? Do you see what is going on behind your own eyes?… Do you see what others see in you?
Yesterday I was having an avoid the mirror day.. Not because I felt ugly, but because I did not want to see what was going on behind my eyes, and I was hoping no one else could either.. so ignorance is bliss right? I am in this weird state lately of just not seeing what everyone else sees, and avoiding talking about anything intimate or detailed that is going on in my own heart… or behind my eyes. It is no secret it has been a really rough few months.. I have just felt really beat up, as though as soon as I make it through something, another wave threatens to drown me and beat me up with the force of what is going on…
Last night, I spent a long time talking with my dad. I love that man. He is good for me because he is blunt, but loving.. he tells me like it is and exactly like I need to hear it.. I always walk away annoyed because I did not necessarily want to hear what he said, but so incredibly thankful and reminded that it was exactly what I needed to hear. He always reminds me that I am strong and capable. I am worth more than I know, I am precious, and I am important. He somehow is always the person who echos over and over “Krista you can do this…” and above anyone else’s words I believe his. I love my daddy.
Then I went and spent some time just being really frustrated at life. I was angry at life, but just frustrated that God was not intervening. That I could not see my Savior moving.. Where is He? When will enough be enough? Where is my hope?… My emotions were on this weird mix of “screw it I don’t care” and just hurting beyond what I have the ability to communicate. I was angry and frustrated, and I just needed Jesus to talk to me, touch me, remind me who I am, and why I am precious to him. I needed to be reminded that I am not just getting tossed all this crap because it would be funny to watch me squirm.. So.. after a while of venting my frustrations at life, two of my best friends and I spent more than an hour just praying. I knew I needed serious help going before Jesus, and they were more than willing to be the ones there doing that with me. I cried, prayed, sat, and felt hopeless… And then, slowly one small feeling and thought at a time I began to feel like, “dear beautiful daughter, it will be ok.. I can do this, just let me take care of a few things. Trust me, believe me, I have this under control.” My problems and troubles have not been solved… but, I can be still once more. I have a lot of work to do, and a lot of struggles coming in the next little while.. but, I also know that once again my Savior is here.. doing what He has promised and taking care of me… He has not promised things will be easy… but, “If you’ve ever met a gentle, loving, wise person who radiates the love of Jesus, I can almost guarantee that he or she has suffered deeply.” I am working on daily radiating the love of my sweet Savior, and as much as this is full of suck.. I will choose this over anything else.