Redirection… It is a super easy concept to grasp, instead of stopping and then turning to continue the motion, you simply continue the same motion at the same rate at which it travels, just with a slightly new path… Redirectional throws and blocks tend to be my favorite in the martial arts, because they require timing, flow, grace, and not nearly the strength of stopping whatever is coming towards you. It simply takes their force and momentum, and sends it wherever you want it to go instead of where the original intended path it was going.

So, redirection. That’s what I choose right now. I am so beyond overwhelmed with so many things in life.. I physically was feeling it throughout my entire body yesterday, and only marginally less today. I felt it in my thinking pattern, my stomach felt like I had an ulcer, my mind was not working at it’s normal pace, I was tired, and I was having difficulty seeing any breaking of light that signals dawn is coming and the night is almost over… And then, today I felt and heard still small whispers beginning to speak to me… No, I don’t mean I am crazy and actually hearing small whispers, I mean God spoke to me in the quiet, in someone’s laughter, in a hug, coffee, breaks, questions, comments, a song, dinner, walks, runs, soreness.. literally ALL over the place I heard Him talking to my heart.

This morning I woke up insanely early to go running again with Brit.. Man was it hard. I was tired, did not feel like walking, much less running, and I was sore.. and to top it all off.. I was STILL stressed, nothing had been solved. But, we ran. Further than we have so far with less effort than we have so far. Hurray!… We got to talk and laugh, and pray to our Savior together. Then, we had set up a date with the roomies to have 6:45am coffee. Which, we all sat on the porch drinking coffee crazy early and just laughed and were friends. We all finished getting ready for work and whatever plans we had for the day… Mine solely had work’s quarterly magazine as the agenda item. I headed to my coffee office and proceeded to sit for almost nine straight hours slowly working on the task of making the quarterly magazine.

As I worked throughout the day, I was able to watch God work on my heart. I was able to feel Him slowly peel away the layers of stress, and replace them with a sense of peace and security. Unexpected, people popped in to chat and laugh with me, others out of the blue stopped what they were doing to make sure I was ok, some randomly told me they felt lead to pray for me… and still others went out of their way to do what they could to help with various situations…

I listened to my Ipod all day to help me focus.. or rather keep me from hearing and focusing elsewhere… I set it to a different play list than I normally do, and this was one of the first couple songs to play: “The cross before me the world behind
No turning back, raise the banner high
It’s not for me, it’s all for You

Let the heavens shake and split the sky
Let the people clap their hands and cry
It’s not for us, it’s all for You

Not to us, but to Your Name be the glory
Not to us, but to Your Name be the glory

Our hearts unfold before Your throne
The only place for those who know
It’s not for us, It’s all for You

Send Your holy fire on this offering
Let our worship burn for the world to see
It’s not for us, It’s all for You


The earth is shaking, the mountains shouting
It’s all for You
The waves are crashing, the sun is raging
It’s all for You
The universe spinning and singing
It’s all for You
The children dancing, dancing, dancing
It’s all for You, It’s all for You

My all for You
Not to us, but to Your Name be the glory
My all for You
Not to us, but to Your Name be the glory
My all for You
Not to us, but to Your Name be the glory”

I listened to that song over and over remembering that regardless it’s all about God’s glory… Redirection.

Am I still stressed? Yeah, things went insanely slower than I anticipated with more issues than I had planned on having… And then, my mom called to say she loves me and to make sure I knew I am missed and important to her, my dad called to see if I needed help with a problem, my roomie and I went out for a fantastic dinner at a new restaurant and then for a walk filled with a wonderful heart to heart conversation… Redirection.

But, what makes this all different is today I kept seeing over and over in every friend and conversation…

“I love you, it will be ok.”

*Sigh* ok regardless of what I think, feel, face, anticipate, want, or am angry about… I am loved, cherished, beautiful, and protected by my Savior. Redirection.

Frustrating Days…

Today, I am just frustrated. It seems as though every little detail that could go wrong has. Even things that I did not predict to go wrong.. did.

I woke up this morning to work out with Brit (second morning in a row!), we did less cardio and more toning today… I am not the biggest fan of getting up insanely early to exercise, but I honestly have no other time to do it consistently, so early it is… It was good, I can already feel my body adjusting to the activity (with much thanks to the dancing recently, and the martial arts lessons). However, this morning I woke up with roughly 4 hours of sleep under my belt, and a whole lot of stress on my shoulders.

My day did not really improve as it went on, and every issue I could have possibly had with work related deadlines, I had. I have done what I can to fix the problems, but as of now there isn’t much I can do except work…. slooooowwwlllyyy… to get it done. *sigh* Just frustrating. I think I will be working insanely long hours today and tomorrow to try and get things done by deadlines.

I am just frustrated with a lot of things right now.

At Moments I Feel…

Sometimes I just feel like my heart is a ping pong ball… I don’t know that it always shows, but I feel like it’s all over the place, especially recently. Maybe because I am really tired, maybe because of new situations that have come up, new challenges that have arrived, or maybe just because I haven’t had a chance to re-group, and won’t for a while… Either way I feel drained inside.

I realized the other day that I have not had as much time with Jesus as I used to or would like.. That would explain a lot of the inconsistency I am feeling I think. I feel like I am taking time and spending it with Him just enough to sustain me for the day, but not nearly the amount I want or even feel like I need every day… Like I am on the verge of starving.. but not quite.

I have these moments where I laugh like crazy because I have some hysterical friends, they love me and it shows. And then, I have these moments where my heart just hurts… and honestly feels like it’s bleeding again because of things going on. And then, without warning my heart will be back to normal… What the heck.

I definitely am having to do constant heart checks to make sure I am not freaking or spazzing for no reason at all. But, like I said, I am not totally sure how much it shows or is externally expressed. All I know is, it is there, and I am having to be very careful because, I do not want my emotions to be an excuse for reacting poorly to various situations in my life.

The thing is.. I am not really feeling the desire to talk about it.. Again, I am pretty sure it is just my inconsistency talking, and maybe it is just a surge of independence.. And, I realize I am an external processor, but I also feel like this is just something that needs to.. I guess float for a bit and God needs to chat with me about it for a while before I trapes off and talk about it with people.

Sometimes, I feel as though there are some people who have these hidden agendas when they enter into a friendship with me or with others around me.. Not hidden as in bad or with malicious intent.. just something they are not admitting to me (or the other person) or maybe to themselves.. I dunno. I struggle with those friendships or people I guess, in part because I think I tend to assume the worst based off past friendships, and in part because they require a lot of energy that I just simply do not feel I have at this point. I cannot stand being lied to, regardless of how tiny.. I mean there’s a significant difference between telling someone you do not want to talk or the timing is just bad… and straight up lying about whatever it is.

Recently, I have discovered that, I really struggle when people try to push their way into a friendship or into me trusting them. It is not even on my terms or with my best interest at heart.. just whatever they feel, want, or think I need. Almost as though regardless of what I tell them I want or need, they have it made up in their mind what it should play out to look like… Whether it is with them directly or with someone else I am friends with. And, lets be honest, the opposite happens, I begin to want to shut off from them and push them away because it turns into this constant push for me to let them in and trust them, instead of a natural progression.. I don’t feel like they have earned the right for me to share or allow them to take care of me.. I dislike it because allowing someone to take care of me is me being vulnerable with them. As odd as it sounds, I do not like people taking care of me if I don’t trust them, I prefer my independence.. Granted, I realize there is a lot of fear involved here, and I know that, and I am ok with this because God and I are working on things from my end.

I sorta feel like a skiddish deer or wild animal, and forcing me to do something really is not ever going to work.. But, coaxing and allowing me the chance to decide allows me the chance to choose instead of being forced. Right now, I am tired and I feel like I need to fight to maintain the space I need… Never a good place to start.

I just need my Jesus right now.. That much is clear.

Maybe Later…

I got the chance to talk today to a friend who is so very dear to me. She is the youthpastor at the church me and my family attend back home.. plus, she is the sister of my sister in law.. so we have connections in several different places. 🙂 She is just one of those people that is just such a joy to talk to and be friends with. I loved being one of the youth leaders with her as our leader… we just worked so well together, it was great! Anyway, as we were talking and catching each other up on life and various things God was doing in our lives, I assumed the next question she would be asking was the same that everyone else seems to ask “is there a boy?” So, I answered her question.. before she asked it.. and she just laughed at me and said she actually had not even thought of that question, but we talked about it and how I am feeling about it… which lead to my thoughts..

So many people put this big weight on “finding someone,” and while I want to some day find someone and get married and serve together and have a family, I am also certain now’s not that time. I am content and happy with where things are in my life. I honestly am not sure I could fit more into my schedule.. either more stress or a relationship. I also feel like there are sooo many things I seriously need to still work on, that adding a relationship right now would really just be a big mistake. As in, I would suck it up and hurt him, hurt myself, and probably hurt those around me because of having to then deal with the issues created. It is just not worth it for an “idea” of what I want in the future. I mean someday, and whether that’s someday sooner than I anticipate or whether it’s still a long way off, someday God will finally bring the relationship into fruition, but until then I have work to do.. and I pray for the work he has to do. And, let me be clear.. I am not saying this in order for people to respond with “you always find who you’re meant to be with when you’re not looking. *wink wink*” (gag me) My feeling is not a false sense of, “maybe if I make myself feel and say certain things I can trick God into sending him my way.” lol No, not at all. I have discovered trying to trick God doesn’t work so well.

In the process of me trying to.. well process this out, I was talking with one of my friends and we were talking about how so many people seem to adopt this idea that they “so badly need someone” that they forget the actual WHY behind God creating relationships in the first place… God made us to “become one” to BETTER serve and glorify Him and His name. So then, why try setting boundaries so close to the line that it is easy to stumble over? If your goal is to glorify Him from the very beginning with your relationship, setting your boundaries so that it is easy to mess up does the polar opposite. Then, the whole purpose of glorifying and being better with someone than alone becomes null and void. If my goal is to see how close I can get without crossing any lines, my focus has suddenly (or maybe not so suddenly) been dramatically shifted in the wrong direction. Ever step of it should be “how can WE better glorify Him TOGETHER”… which then all the boundaries become clear (or at least to me they do).. They become pure.

At this point in my life, and who knows how long it will last, I just feel like I do not need to focus on “a relationship.” Which much to my joy and many thanks to God, there is no one making that a difficult feeling. Currently, I have so many flaws I am trying to work on and get through, that I just would botch up any attempt at anything more than just friends with a boy. I have to focus enough on relationships with family and friends that pursuing more just honestly seems overwhelming at this point. As though it would be the straw that broke the camel’s back if I attempted more.

I could go on and on for pages I think if I tried describing all the places I feel like God is asking or in some cases making me grow. Some areas are I feel really big, and others are simply fine tuning… But, regardless the growth needs to be my focus right now so I don’t miss it. And, I don’t mean to sound like I can thwart God’s plan for my life, just that if He’s speaking it into my life, I want to make sure I am trying my hardest to listen to Him regardless of the volume at which He’s speaking to me. I want to be found faithful to my Savior.


So, I have heard my entire life how distinct and different my dad’s laugh is. Everyone comments on it.. it’s loud, joyful, and you can’t help but laugh with my dad when he laughs. His whole body gets involved in the laugh, almost as though it is coming from the very core of who he is, and that causes his body to react the way it does. Pure joy that you can see and hear… It is one of a couple of my all time favorite sounds..

And then, as I got older I began hearing the same comments about my own laugh. I never really thought much about my own laugh growing up because it doesn’t even come close to rivaling my dad’s… I mean my older brother is the closest, and sometimes his sounds exactly like Dad’s… So, in comparison, I had never really thought my own laugh because I had always heard about his… I just never thought about it because it was nothing like the way my dad’s is.

And, then one day I was sitting next to my dad and someone in our family said something funny and Dad and I busted up laughing.. and I realized.. we laugh the exact same, only his is deeper and louder, and mine basically is just the feminine version of his. Haha I love it! Now, THE single most comment I hear is about my laugh, and I mean virtually everyone comments on my laugh. It doesn’t bother me at all, I find it rather amusing, especially since I have had people detail out the pattern of my laugh, and I have had people explain to me the way it sounds to them… I love my laugh, it can be loud, and I am sure to some it’s obnoxious… especially since I laugh so much… But, I love my laugh because it does come from the core of me. I can’t laugh without my whole body taking part in the laughter, and I can’t help but find most things in life amusing to some degree. I like the fact that my name means joyful, and that I express that all the time.

Sometimes I can’t tell if my laughter draws people in.. or if it’s just their desire to “be in the know”… but, whatever it is it draws attention because there are sometimes that I feel like all eyes are on me, just watching me react to things. Not in a “I want to be center of attention” kinda way, but just a… feeling or I’ll notice people watching me as I Laugh, and joke around, being incredibly animated (because apparently that’s another thing I do). There are times and places, that I feel like people are just… observing and, almost taking it all in. Maybe, I am just crazy and paranoid, but honestly I tend to be fairly perceptive about those kinda things.

So, if my only interaction with someone is their observation of me laughing and interacting with others… I hope they see the Joyful Little Christian, and it strikes a chord inside them down to their core. I hope that they can see my joy, even when I am not happy or worse, when I am angry or hurting. I hope they can still see the joy and hear it in my laughter when life is not easy. Because honestly, laughter helps me heal. Somehow God uses it to restore me when I am broken inside. He uses the laughter to mend, comfort, remind, and hug me when I am in need of my Savoir. I don’t know how, but it works.


I know I have said this before, but I am such a fan of birthdays. I love the chance to celebrate everything about someone. Just simply to take time out to make sure they know they are loved, appreciated, special, wanted etc..etc.. I love getting that chance. It’s one of the big reasons every month I throw a birthday party for anyone who’s birthday was in that month… It ends up just being this big hang out time with lots and lots of food and a bunch of games. But, I cannot really express how much I enjoy doing that. I am a creature of community and that’s obvious.

Today is a friend’s birthday, and it gives me the chance to do something fun. I mean there’s our normal monthly birthday party, but it’s just not the same as doing something for one of your closest friends… So, a couple people and I are doing something for our friend’s birthday. See, there’s nothing really that makes me feel like I HAVE to do something, usually the smallest of gestures people really appreciate (or at least I do) on birthdays, but that’s half the fun is making it special, memorable, and specifically for them. 🙂

This friend of mine is an amazing person that inspires and blesses me virtually every day. I am constantly challenged and encouraged to grow. The depth of care this friend expresses for everyone around them blows me away all the time. The small little things cause them to stand apart from pretty much everyone else. Their ability to look at someone and understand and relate, and they are somehow able to connect with those around them to either make it better or make the person feel as though they are not alone… it’s amazing to watch. The very first time we met, my friend made me feel as though I was included, and like I was in the “know” with them while everyone else was in the dark about whatever funny situation was unfolding. The vast depth and dynamic knowledge my friend has amazes me all the time, and they truly use it to glorify Jesus, which is such an amazing thing to watch. 🙂 I have really enjoyed watching my friend grow and find new and exciting things in Jesus and in life.

So, Happy birthday friend! You are an truly amazing person in every sense of the word that Jesus has blessed into my life 🙂 “TFC”

The Bud To Flower…

So, I was talking earlier with one of my best friends and I was telling her about all the areas I feel I’m growing.. or more specificically the areas I feel like God is growing me. I was explaining to her my fears and the things I am worried about and how I feel like God is shaping and molding me despite my hang ups. At this particular time, I am not going into my fears because they are pretty specific, and not beneficial for anyone… but, I don’t mind sharing the ways God is growing me… I feel that’s a better focus anyway since my fears are not substantiated at all.. just my human imperfect side showing up.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin

I kinda feel like this quote is a good representation of what’s going on right now. I remember back in the late fall early winter that I felt like God was growing me at an exponential rate… At times, I felt like my learning curve was STRAIGHT UP. I really felt like I was not allowed to have a curve… just to move up. Today, I feel the same… Or I guess lately I have the same feeling, only now it’s in a completely different area than it was in the late fall early winter.

Currently, I feel like I am meant to grow and mature on the side of independence/dependence. It’s weird because it is not an area I ever really felt like I had an issue with. I mean I have always known I am independent. As a child, if my brother could do it so could I… So, I learned to read at 4, write cursive at 6, started martial arts at 7.. etc.. etc.. I didn’t really think about it, I just did it if he could do it. I have always loved my independence, I appreciate my ability to go and do, my adventurous side is one of the qualities I enjoy about who I am. My ability to go and do cause God said so… I am proud of the fact that for the most part I am capable. Not an iron fortress that needs no one.. but someone who pulls my own weight most of the time.

After high school, and especially after college I began to realize that my natural instinct towards independence sometimes needs to be tapered to allow others to flourish or just because it is better for me to be dependent. But, even still, it was not a big deal, a few minor areas here and there. There are maybe a hand full of times that I can remember when I had to choose to be dependent instead of independent, I mean really, not anything big… Just things like allowing a guy to open a door for me.. lol I mean honestly minor things.

And then, I moved here.. the land of I-didn’t-think-I-needed-to-grow-but-have-no-choice-now. And suddenly, I have all these areas that make me feel like a midget in the land of tall (metephocically speaking of course lol). Now, I am faced with choices daily of whether I want to fight my natural instinct of taking care of things myself or if I plan on being dependent on others…

Honestly, the hardest part is that most of the time I just do not think about what I am doing long enough to realize I am choosing independence over dependence. And, I am not just talking in terms of guy/girl relationsions… I do it all over the place for virtually everyone. But, the thing that is kinda funny is I push others to be dependent on me, I encourage them to lean on me and let me do things for them… and in some areas with some people I have gotten really good at reciprocating that. But, then there are these other areas where I just really struggle with it.. and I mean I fight. I will fight to keep my independence.. for honestly no reason at all. The only thing I can come up with is maybe I am used to it, and have “always done it this way.” Which is an excuse I HATE.

So… Right now I’m a bud turning to a flower because it’s just not acceptable to be a bud anymore…