To Be Enough…

Part of my heart is seriously troubled because of things that I see as failures in the recent days and weeks. When I comment on things I fail at, and how much it bothers me… I get the “bless your heart” look (aka you stupid retard) as I explain how I wish I was more like this or that, I wish I was better at that, I wish I wasn’t so much like this… and to be honest they laugh at me. Not because I’m dumb or because my wishes are stupid… I don’t ever feel that is their intent, but more because they see in me what I do not see in myself… Or in some instances because they don’t see in me what I see in myself.

Let me explain, I know a lot of things about myself (clearly), for the most part I’d like to think I’m fairly self aware. But, I also know that my striving to be perfect never ends, and that others don’t see my drive at all the way I do. I always want to be the best at things, not to prove someone else worse or less than me.. but simply to be the best possible me I can be. My striving has nothing to do with other people, and in fact my being “the best” is not in comparison with someone else, it’s being the best that I am capable of being. I enjoy being well rounded so I push myself to learn things, and understand things, and gain skills, be a better friend, a more compassionate follower of Jesus, and simply to be better than I was on this day last year. To have gotten closer to the goal God gave me… to be the person I was meant to be without wasting anything away out of laziness or boredom.

So, please understand that first, my drive has absolutely nothing to do with you, I don’t care if I’m better than you. More or less talented… I just want to know I am the best that I can be with my abilities based on myself.

On the flip side recently I’ve discovered a few things I was unaware of… For instance, I have a tendency to assume that I am not extraordinary, but that I am more of the fairly common “everyone must be like this” type. This sounds kinda funny.. but I’m serious. My view tends to be that everyone feels the way I do, they push themselves them same way that I do… Apparently that’s not really the case.

In the last little while I’ve had several people make comments or ask “is there anything you can’t do” and while it’s such a nice compliment from some people.. and sorta snide remark from others. My first reaction is to create an insta-list in my head of all the things I don’t do well, or messed up, or have absolutely no skill doing…

The more I’ve been thinking about it, the more I’ve realized they aren’t actually asking if I’m perfect, skilled, not skilled, or whatever.. What they’re asking is for a moment of vulnerability from me (something I have to work on all the time for sure). ‘Cause see, the thing is, I tend towards being the “strong friend” I encourage people to vent to me or lean on me for support… (and, that to me is an ever present example of how God has totally shaped my heart) Or, at the very least I tend towards leading because it’s natural for me…

In these things what I’ve started to realize is people make statements or ask things because they really just want to have a moment of vulnerability with me. More me expressing to them to help them feel connected and equal with me. In realizing this I’ve also realized that it’s not always a good idea, but more often than not it is. This goes back to the idea that I am not expected to “make it” alone, God gives us community on purpose.. which is only effective if I actually utilize this idea and to some degree at least allow myself to be vulnerable to certain people…

Pulling this all back together… I am in constant battle with myself to be enough, be the best, be better than this day last year… When I fail it is seriously hard for me, especially when others are insistent on pointing out my failure. For whatever reason I am always striving to be enough, not in a sadistic/masochistic way but in my black and white I want to be the best I can be.

I’m still learning how to view myself as enough, see myself through the eyes of my Savior and yet continue to push myself hard every day to be the best..

” Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” -Matthew 6:34

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